My mom wants to leave everything to one sibling. How can the rest of us get her to stop playing favorites?

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• For Love & Money is a weekly Business Insider column answering relationship and money questions.
• This week, a reader’s mother is showing favoritism to one of their siblings.
• Our columnist spoke with a therapist who suggests not centering the conversation on money.
• Got a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.

Dear For Love & Money,

Several years ago, my brother moved in with my parents on their farm after a divorce. My Mom gave him money from my grandparents’ inheritance to start his business and buy equipment. This followed years of her helping him out financially at every turn.

My parents are in their 90s now and in need of nursing care. My brother wants the entire farm from them, or he cannot continue his business. My father doesn’t want to give him the farm since he’s already gotten so much money, saying it would not be fair to the other five siblings.

My mother says he is the only one of the siblings who moved back home, and he deserves it. My other siblings and I bring them food and do everything we can to make their lives as comfortable as possible.

Following a physical altercation between my parents over the issue, my father has been declared mentally incompetent. Since then, my mother has given my brother $70,000. We have tried to stop this, but our lawyers tell us this is more common than you know when it comes to inheritance and seem unable to do anything for us. What do you think we should do?

Sincerely,

Not the Favorite

Dear Not the Favorite,

In my experience, few things are as destructive to the family unit as parental favoritism. I understand it; naturally, we click with some people better than we do with others. However, a parent’s job is to look beyond which relationship is easier for them or feels the best to participate in and, instead, find the things about each of their children that they admire or enjoy to reach equal affection for all.

Unfortunately, this has not been your experience as a child in your family. While I recognize the pressing concerns of financial distribution and possible elder abuse your family is facing, I want to take a moment to validate how painful this must have been for you both as a child and even now as an adult. You deserved better, and I am so sorry you didn’t get it.

I called an expert to help you navigate these tumultuous waters. Dr. Avigail Lev, PsyD., is the founder of CBT Online. She is an author, mediator, executive coach, and San Francisco-based therapist. I think you will find her insights quite helpful as you move forward.

Lev agreed with your lawyer and encouraged you to accept that with your father legally neutralized and your brother and your mother calling the shots, there’s little you can do from a practical standpoint. However, Lev offered a few things you can try to get through to your mother’s heart.

The first thing Lev suggests is therapy — both family and individual. Find a family therapist familiar with this type of manipulative financial abuse and individual therapists who can help you accept the heartbreaking circumstances in which you find yourselves.

Lev also recommends that you and the other siblings develop a unified approach, talk with your mother as a group, and create a script for individual conversations. This shared script should focus exclusively on the personal side of the situation.

In these situations, it can feel easier to talk about the money, the land, and other concrete concerns where the fair thing to do feels straightforward and obvious. However, getting through to your mother will require you to be honest and vulnerable about the emotional impact of her behavior.

Lev suggested you and your other siblings could try saying something like this:

“Hey, Mom. Our concern and hurt in this matter is not about whether we need the money. What feels painful is that, as a mom, we all want your love equally. Favoring our brother over us hurts us and our relationships with both you and him, and it makes it seem like you love him more than the rest of us. This won’t just hurt our relationship with you but also our family as a whole.”

The purpose of avoiding the financial side of things, according to Lev, is that as long as you all dwell on the money aspect of the situation, the more your mother will as well. In the same way, if you emphasize the emotional impact of her choices, the more likely she is to recognize that to protect her relationship with her other five children, she must find other options.

Lev gave a final piece of advice that may seem brutal initially but could communicate your message to your mother louder than words. You and your siblings could stop supporting your mother by showing up for her and bringing her food. That would tell her you don’t want to reward behavior that is hurting all of you.

You mentioned that your mother plans to give your brother the farm because “he is the only one of the siblings who moved back home,” a belief that erases everything you and your other siblings have done to support her. This is hurtful on a few levels, and for your own sake, you must stop subjecting yourselves to it.

With your mother willing to fight for your brother to the point of having her husband declared mentally incompetent, there’s a good chance you will have to accept her choices. As hurtful as this is, I want to encourage you to take care of yourself and lean on your siblings experiencing the same wound. When it’s all said and done, you still have each other.

Rooting for you,

For Love & Money

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