American Sports Story: Aaron Hernandez Recap: Happy Enough

When Aaron finally started playing for the pros last week, he quickly learned the same lesson as many a young person thrust into the spotlight before they’re ready: Fame is a prison, a force that can easily destroy your sense of freedom. That’s what Sherrod warned Aaron, and by the time of “Herald Street,” it’s really starting to sink in — especially now that Shayanna has a baby on the way, a major life change that will eat up even more of his time and energy.

Is Aaron built to be a family man? The show implies that in a different version of his life, he could be a pretty good dad; he can be a fun-loving, affectionate guy, and it’s not like he’s fully incapable of caring about other people. But he’s still very young, with so much left to learn about himself and no space to do it.

A big part of that, obviously, is his sexuality and relationships. Aaron has real feelings for Chris, especially after that romantic sun-drenched sex montage in the opening scene. But he’s also totally unable to admit that his “boys’ trip” to Cabo is anything more than a fun secret getaway incidental to his real life. When he casually mentions Shayanna’s pregnancy during dinner as if it were no big deal, Chris is understandably thrown off — as he makes clear to Aaron that this trip actually means something to him. But Aaron can only stammer, “I’m not, like, that,” brushing off any attempt to get serious.

Aaron’s ongoing attempts to have his cake and eat it too — to downplay his romantic feelings while still carrying on like usual with Chris — are really beginning to take their toll. A conversation with Tanya reminds him that soon he won’t have the option of taking regular boys’ trips, and even Chris is getting tired of his obsessive DMs. So now we have a guy who’s got a kid on the way while hiding a painful breakup from his family, fiancée, and the world — and everywhere he goes, people are snapping photos of him. He’s sad, anxious, paranoid, and more aware than ever of the limitations of this lifestyle.

That’s his emotional state going into the episode’s actual centerpiece event: the July 2012 murders of Daniel de Abreu and Safiro Furtado, two immigrant men from Cape Verde whose only mistake was being in the wrong place at the wrong time. All it takes is an accidentally spilled drink at the nightclub, and a coked-out Aaron wants them dead, following them with a reluctant Sherrod until they reach a stoplight. When he instructs them to roll down their window and opens fire with his recently procured gun, Aaron thinks he’s punishing the men for teasing him, something he most likely imagined. But on a deeper level, he’s instinctively fighting back against all the people out there who doubt him, everyone scrutinizing him around Boston and even nationwide. It’s like he says to Sherrod minutes before it happens: None of this is real, and none of it is on his terms.

I still have plenty of reservations about Aaron Hernandez and its ultimate takeaways. But at this point in its run, the series has shown enough different sides of its subject that I can buy the steep downslide we’re beginning to see. With Aaron’s reluctant acceptance of Sherrod’s invitation to Florida, the show has basically caught up to its opening scene, when Aaron shot Sherrod and left him for dead. Matthew Hodgson’s script makes sure to show that at least for the time being, Aaron’s paranoia has no serious basis in reality; the Boston police likely aren’t prioritizing the investigation.

Before he’s ready for that “God Forgives” tattoo, though, Aaron deals with a lot more paranoia and stress. The news from Brian Murphy about his $40 million contract is enough to set him at ease in many ways, affording him the security to buy a huge new house and a big ring to properly propose to Shayanna during her baby shower. But a high ankle sprain confines him to bed rest for the next few weeks, and soon his only goal is to get from “injured” to just “hurt” for the Seattle game.

The montage of Aaron popping Vicodin and smoking weed while lying around playing video games and icing his ankle is a pretty fun one, thanks to the use of ScHoolboy Q’s “Hands on the Wheel” (featuring A$AP Rocky). But Shayanna’s not having much fun with her fiancé making her do everything. He can’t even build a crib on his own, perhaps because the CTE is starting to interfere with basic cognition more and more. Of course, that’s just another thing Aaron would prefer to ignore. Sure, he tunes in when he first hears the news about Junior Seau, the retired linebacker whose brain was studied after he committed suicide at 43 by shooting himself in the chest. But by the time Shayanna later brings the subject up to Aaron, he’s got more pressing matters to attend to.

Near the end of “Herald Street,” both Aaron and his fiancée receive pep talks from people urging them to stay the course in their marriage. In response to Shayanna venting about Aaron’s temper and his emotional distance, her mom reminds her that as long as he’s around, her baby will be set for life. Tanya, meanwhile, encourages Aaron to settle down and make peace with a “happy enough” existence. Throwing away the rare gift of this new life he built isn’t worth it.

Both women’s advice makes sense, especially when neither family has ever seen this kind of money and fortune before. But with what we know, their words sound misguided. This episode, more than any other, illustrates just how little a fat paycheck can mean in the grand scheme of things. An Aaron Hernandez who stepped away from the sport after high school, after college, or even a year into his NFL career might have lost out on that jaw-dropping “40 million” number, but he might have had the space he needed to come to terms with who he really is, in more ways than just his queerness. But at every point, Aaron keeps going — staring at brutal, messy reality and then turning away, never thinking too hard about the people he hurts along the way.

• It looks like we just … skipped the Super Bowl where Aaron played and the Pats lost to the Giants? Kind of an odd choice.

• I also might’ve liked to see some more of D.J., who apparently always wants something from his brother. At this point, Aaron considers Sherrod more of a protective older brother.

• Josh Andrés Rivera does a nice job conveying Aaron’s inability to push the words out of his mouth when some part of him wants to get real but can’t. I wonder what he would’ve told Tanya in that moment late in the episode — did he want to come out to her, or just open up about that trapped feeling he’s experiencing?

• Today, over 300 former NFL players have been posthumously diagnosed with CTE, many of whom had reported memory loss and mood swings.