I Decided to Teach My Young Nephew an Important Lesson During a Round of Pool. Uh, I’ve Been Uninvited to Christmas.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding, 

I have a 21-year-old nephew, “Marcus,” who I’ve never been extremely close to, due to distance and other logistics. I have always thought he (along with his dad, my brother-in-law) had a “jock” attitude that they were better than anybody else when it came to any type of competition. At Thanksgiving, Marcus was bragging about how good he was at pool and was asking around if anybody wanted to play pool. I said yes, and Marcus asked if I wanted to make the game “interesting” by betting $1, which I agreed to. I lost the first game and paid him. Then he said, “Double or nothing?” and I agreed. I won, but just barely. He then again offered to go double or nothing; I agreed and barely won again.

This was repeated until the game where, if he lost, he would owe me $64. This time, though, instead of barely losing, I ran the table. By then we had a small crowd of relatives watching. After I won the game, I asked Marcus to pay up, but he said he didn’t have that much money. I said, “Well, you better be asking your dad for it.” One of my other in-laws told Marcus, “You just got snookered. Years ago, Thad (me) was in multiple pool leagues and has won several tournaments.” Marcus’s dad was livid, calling me about every name in the book. I told him his son shouldn’t be gambling if he doesn’t have the money to back up his ability. My mother-in-law was chewing me out for treating her grandchild that way, saying he is “just a kid and our family doesn’t gamble.” I said your grandchild is an adult and you yourself go to the casino at least once a month with your friends.

I then said he doesn’t owe me any money but let this be a lesson, if Marcus did this in a bar playing against strangers and didn’t have the money to cover his gambling debts, he probably would get his face beat in. Most of the family (including my wife) agreed that he probably should have paid up, if not today, then next holiday when he would have time to save up the money. As we were leaving Marcus’s dad came up and handed me a check and said, “Here, we are even, but if you think you are coming to our house for Christmas (their turn in the rotation) you can forget about it.” I said they didn’t need to pay and tried to refuse the check. What do you think about them excluding me (not my wife) from Christmas? Should I make it “right,” and how?

—The Gambler Who Forgives Gambling Debts

Dear Gambler, 

To really answer this question properly, I’d need to know more about the family dynamics and personalities and have seen how you and Marcus were behaving during your little billiard battle. This feels like one of those situations where the truth is in the nuances of these relationships. If you haven’t already, I would consult your wife or another trusted family member to give you their honest read on the situation. Were you accidentally a jerk, or is this kind of blow-up par for the course with Marcus’ dad?

I encourage you to reflect on your actions leading up to and during the “pay up” conversation. Were you egging Marcus on as the bet increased or displaying any kind of bravado at your victory? (Sounds like the other family members did.) Or were you generally humble about the situation? If your answer veers toward the former, it might be worth a mea culpa phone call to Marcus and his dad. Consider that you and these men don’t seem to have a close friendship. You can tease and show some swagger with close friends in a way you can’t with more distant acquaintances. It could be that what you intended as good-natured fun fell flat.

If your family allies tell you that you did nothing wrong and Marcus’ dad is just up to his usual antics, then just lay low for a bit. Make separate plans with your wife for this year, and file this away as a learning moment for how you want to act with these men in the future. Then in a few months, you all can host the family for a barbecue and start to get things back to normal.

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Dear Care and Feeding, 

I am the dad of an amazing 20-year-old daughter. She’s an only child that has always been the “perfect child”—great at school (top of her class, even skipped a grade), caring daughter, full of empathy for all of us, drama-free teenage years, and always helping around the home. She is in a very prestigious local college program (and thus still living at home). Even though we are fortunate enough to be able to cover all the costs for her education and living expenses, she keeps a part-time job as a barista and is very prudent with her money. She has great grades and she’s always studying.

Our big concern is that she’s alone. Almost no friends and no boyfriend although she is quite attractive. As soon as her classes finish, she’s off studying in a cafe or a public library away from her classmates. I feel she isolates herself to avoid rejection and uncomfortable social interactions. She suffered from bullying in grade school and I worry that this isolation is the consequence of that. We have encouraged her to see a therapist but we don’t feel she’s really making a difference. She’s an amazing daughter but we feel she is missing out on the most fun years of life. We are at a loss on what to do to help her get out of her shell. We feel responsible.

—Guilty Dad

Dear Dad, 

Sometimes, even if we are struggling with something, the worst thing a parent can do is show us how much our struggle is freaking them out. You say you and your spouse feel responsible—fair enough, we parents feel responsible for everything. But I say this with kindness: Your fretting might be making things worse. I wonder if you and your partner need to focus less on your expectations for your daughter and start trying to understand whether she is fulfilled by her own life.

Here’s what I see in your letter: Your daughter is out in the world. Sure, she’s living at home, but she’s not spending all of her time in her bedroom. She’s studying in public and she’s working as a barista just for the heck of it. That tells me that she enjoys being out around people—she’s not abnormally isolating herself. She has a few friends—great! When it comes to friendships, many people prefer a few to a slew. And so what if she doesn’t have a boyfriend? There are a number of reasons why this might be the case, including plain old disinterest in the idea.

Sit down with your daughter for heart-to-heart conversation. Own up to the fact that you and your spouse have been concerned that she’s isolated and lonely (I’m sure she’s aware)—but that now you realize that you hadn’t ever asked her if she felt isolated and lonely, or if she was content with her social connectedness. Let her be the one to tell you what she needs. And if she says that she’s fine, believe her and leave the door open for her to come to you later if her feelings change.

I totally understand that you want your daughter to have a fulfilled life, and of course, it’s possible she doesn’t feel fulfilled right now. But she’s an adult who needs to figure that out for herself. I think that if she knows she has your acceptance to be whoever she wants to be, that will go a long way toward her own self-actualization.

Dear Care and Feeding, 

I have an 8-year-old daughter, “Gloria.” Gloria’s a bit of a tomboy and is always running around outside in all sorts of weather—climbing trees, doing acrobatics, or running off to the basketball court to play against any other kids who happen to be in the area. She also hates wearing shoes and goes barefoot at any opportunity. My partner and I don’t mind, as it keeps her physically active.

But one thing is causing a small problem. Because she likes to go barefoot, she’s developed some pretty big callouses on the balls of her feet and her heels. I mean, everyone gets them to some degree, but Gloria’s are thicker than most. They don’t hurt, and she is doing quite well health-wise, so I’m not super worried about it. But she destroys her socks awfully quickly when she wears them. She’ll rip right through, usually forming holes at the point on the ball of her foot after only a few weeks. Getting a continuous supply of replacement socks is actually becoming a noticeable financial drain on the household budget. Is there any way to deal with this longer term? Some kind of indestructible sock I’m not aware of? Or a way to pare down the callouses?

—I Know What I’m Getting for Christmas

Dear Christmas, 

Would your daughter be game for regular pedicures, whether at a nail salon or at home? Maybe a little callous TLC—exfoliating with a pumice stone and then moisturizing—would help lengthen the time between sock replacements. That said, the callouses are probably protecting her feet during her barefoot play (they protect the foot bones from too much pressure), so that protection is something to weigh against sock costs.

As to your search for rock-solid socks, I crowd-sourced some options for you. Among the recommendations were the brands Under Armor, ANTSANG, and Nike. One neighborhood mom recommended buying socks from a skateboard shop as they have held up for her kids very well. And another swore by Darn Tough, which offers a lifetime guarantee for their socks. Good luck!

—Allison

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