I gave my 3 and 1-year-olds more independence. Now we have fewer tantrums and more cooperation.

• After my toddler’s epic 20-minute tantrum, I realized that it wasn’t just about him.
• Most tantrums boil down to one thing: control.
• So I relinquished some of my control and now we have fewer tantrums and a happier household.

Twenty minutes had passed, and my 3-year-old toddler was still lying on the floor, kicking and screaming because I wouldn’t let him help with dinner.

I had insisted that he was too young to handle the cooking utensils, and the frustration had boiled over into a full-blown tantrum. I stood there frozen, my mind racing.

Should I give in to his demands and risk teaching him that tantrums get results? Should I hold firm and let dinner burn in the oven? What about the cleanup? If I let him have his way, chaos would follow — sticky hands, a wrecked house, and more time scrubbing than I cared to imagine.

All these thoughts collided in my head, and I honestly just wanted to walk out of the room and cry. As I stood there, overwhelmed, a question bubbled to the surface: What’s this really about? Why is he having this tantrum?

Reflecting on it later, I realized this wasn’t just about him. It was about me — my need for control, my fear of messes, and my struggle to let go.

Kids are wild but so are parents

Let’s be real: kids are unpredictable. One minute, they’re singing a nursery rhyme; the next, they’re scaling the back of the sofa like it’s Mount Everest. They say the weirdest things like “Do sharks fart?” and have meltdowns over the color of their plate.

It’s exhausting. Yet, I’ve learned that so much of what causes these tantrums isn’t them — it’s my mindset as a parent.

Most tantrums boil down to one thing: control.

As parents, we’re wired to protect — protect our kids from harm and protect our home from becoming a war zone of spilled juice and crayon murals.

However, there’s a catch. While some boundaries are essential, constantly saying “no” can backfire.

Kids don’t see the logic when we stop them from climbing the furniture, trying to pour juice into their cup, or putting their toys away in any box they choose. All they feel is frustration. That’s when the tears, stomping, and wailing begin.

The turning point

One day, I reached my breaking point. My son was helping me crack eggs for cupcakes, and I could see shards of eggshell falling into the mix.

My first instinct was to take over, but I paused and let him continue. He was learning, and that was more important than perfection.

At that moment, I realized I needed to make a change.

Instead of micromanaging, I decided to let him have more independence — to explore, to try, and even to make mistakes.

That shift made all the difference.

Fostering independence

Teaching independence doesn’t mean letting kids run wild. It means giving them controlled choices.

Instead of saying, “What do you want to wear?” and risking a tutu-cowboy hat combo, I offer two pre-approved outfits. Snacks? Two healthy options they can pick from.

This approach gives kids a sense of control while still keeping things manageable for me. And the results? Fewer tantrums, more cooperation, and a happier household.

What about younger kids?

With a one-year-old, fostering independence looks a little different. They’re too young to understand choices, but they still crave exploration.

Creating safe, childproof zones where they can roam freely works wonders. I can let my toddler climb, crawl, and discover without my heart dropping every five seconds.

A surprising reward

The other night, after a long day of Paw Patrol marathons and playtime, my son shocked me.

As the credits rolled, he got up, tidied his toys without being asked, and sat back down. I couldn’t believe it.

Sure, this doesn’t happen every night, but moments like these remind me of the bigger picture. When I let go of my need for control and trusted my kids to handle more, they rose to the challenge.

Fostering independence has not only reduced tantrums in our home but also allowed my kids to gain confidence, build resilience, and take pride in their own choices. As parents, we want to raise capable, happy children, but sometimes the first step is stepping back and trusting them to grow.