Columnist Karen Gardner: My job application

Dear former guy, now president-elect, please consider the following to be my application for the job of secretary of defense. I’m quite aware that this position is very important to you since you’ve stated many times that this country’s greatest threats are “the enemy from within,” those “radical left lunatics” and have suggested that you’d use our military against them if necessary.

Like many of your current nominees, I believe that my lack of relevant background and experience would undoubtedly appeal to you, as does theirs. One important point I’d like to make right off the bat is that I’m super smart. Well, not as smart as you, sir, who, as you’ve said many times “are a very stable genius.” And the fact that your uncle taught at MIT surely proves your point.

As for military experience, I’ve got that in spades. You see my father was an infantryman during World War II, though he never left American soil. And because my dad proudly wore the uniform of the U.S. Army, and I have his genes, this will make me more than qualified to oversee our military. I’ll know exactly what to do! My genes will tell me.

I have to admit that the thought of running a department as huge as the Defense Department takes my breath away. But, really, how hard can running an organization of 3.4 million service members and civilians with a budget of $841.4 billion be? After all, I can learn on the job, and I used to oversee, well, as many as 10 people at one of my previous jobs. If a lack of experience is most important to you, sir, then I should be at the top of your list.

I’m aware that I will be competing with some of your very good friends, such as your current selection, Pete Hegseth, formerly a Fox News talking head. Though he did actually wear a military uniform, unlike me, he was removed from a national guard unit assigned to protect the current guy due to extremist tattoos on his body. I’m sure that you’ve noticed I am totally tattoo-free. If the presence of tattoos, or lack thereof, is important to you sir, then I’m the one for you.

It does makes sense that you would lean toward Pete, sir, as you can no doubt see yourself in him — with his history of multiple marriages and infidelities, sexual assault accusations and widely reported excessive drinking while on the job. I know you don’t drink, sir, because you’ve said that your brother was an alcoholic and died at age 43. But Hegseth has promised to quit drinking if confirmed for the job. I’m sure that the millions of recovering alcoholics in our country will be watching his progress with great interest.

I just realized something, sir. If you ever were to vet any of your selections as you so obviously have not yet done, you might discover that I haven’t been a big fan of yours and that I’ve written some rather scathing things about you over the years. But a person can change. Look at most of your buddies in the Republican Party — nearly every one of them has dissed you in the past as an ignorant fool who can’t speak in reasonable or full sentences, is unfit for the presidency and is a danger to our democracy. But now they all love and revere you!

Of course, they’re all scared to death that you might turn your new powers of immunity from prosecution against them if they don’t bow and scrape to their dear leader. And you can count on me to be as loyal as I’m sure they will be.

Speaking of that recently acquired presidential immunity from prosecution for “official acts” blessed by your Supreme Court picks, don’t you wonder why the current guy hasn’t used any of those new powers to put you in jail where you should be for your crimes? Oh dear, did I just say that? I don’t know what came over me. What I meant is for all the hoaxes his Justice Department created to harass you endlessly with their evidence and witnesses and judges. Don’t you think if he were as smart and clever as you, the master of the deal, that he would have thrown you in jail by now since he knows that once he leaves office, he most likely will not be prosecuted for doing so?

And why hasn’t the current guy ordered his military to subvert the transition to your new administration in order to stay in the White House forever, as I’m sure you will do? Oh geez, maybe he has something this country used to value — integrity, ethics? And the people chose you, sir, so he must depart. That’s certainly not what you would or will do. It’s winning, that’s what matters to you.

So, sir, clearly you will require someone on your team who has pledged to do your bidding in charge of the Department of Defense if you’re going to take out your political opponents and stay in office forever. But I know I won’t be your pick. Sooner or later one of your aids, who actually pays attention to such things, will tell you that I play for the other team, the one that believes in the rule of law, the constitution, and our democracy.

Karen Gardner of Haydenville can be reached at opinion@gazettenet.com.