If you haven’t heard, Ryan Smith, the so-called billionaire owner of the Utah Jazz and the Utah Unnamed Hockey Team (#OutlawsOrBust) wants almost $1 billion in taxpayer money to help build an entertainment district in downtown Salt Lake City.
The reason he wants to build an entertainment district is so that the Smith Entertainment Group can own the places where people spend money before and after sports games, not just during sports games. This public money would come via a 0.5% increase in Salt Lake City sales tax, and if he doesn’t get it, there are credible threats that he’ll move both teams to the bustling cultural hub of *checks notes* Draper.
Yes, Ryan Smith is a billionaire who needs a billion more dollars to complete this project that will earn him billions of dollars. Which leads me to what I believe is a logical conclusion — he is not, in fact, a billionaire. Because if he had billions of dollars, he would be able to invest those billions in the project that would earn him billions. He can’t, and so I’m beginning to doubt that those billions exist.
Ryan, let’s talk poor person to poor person. You can’t just keep asking people for money.
Sure, it starts out innocently enough. You bum some cash off your buddy for a round of drinks. You ask your roommate to cover the electric bill this month. You increase taxes on a city that’s already getting more unaffordable for everyday people each year. It’s a slippery slope.
Because what if people start asking for their money back? Any fellow poor person will tell you that those Venmo requests start to pile up fast. $10 for lunch. $15 for your share of the bar tab. $40 for concert tickets. $54 million annually for 30 years for three blocks of downtown Salt Lake City. You can’t ignore those notifications forever!
Doubters to my “Ryan Smith is poor” theory might point out that Ryan Smith’s entertainment group is contributing $3 billion of its own money to the project. Exactly — its last $3 billion. Now, flat broke, Ryan Smith needs help finishing a project that was way more expensive than he thought it would be. Anyone who has ever tried to build a deck understands.
It’s tough out there, Ryan, but you can’t just ask people for handouts. You’ve gotta find ways to stretch your dollar instead. Here are some everyday tips for saving some green:
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Make coffee at home instead of going to the cafe.
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Incorporate more legumes into your meals; they’re a cheap way to get protein.
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Buy generic. (I know you’ve got an exclusive deal with Coke products at the Delta Center, but with a little imagination, Kroger brand can taste just as good.)
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Donate plasma. It’s an easy way to earn some money on the side, and you can make over $700 in your first month!
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Don’t buy things you can’t afford, like a flashy new smartwatch or a cool new jacket or a professional hockey team.
We’re all facing challenges in these hard economic times, Ryan, whether that means figuring out where our next rent check is coming from or how to use public money to create an enormous new income stream that will fundamentally change downtown SLC.
But we’re all in this together! Feel free to reach out to me if you need any more tips on how to have fun on a budget. Half-priced movie nights are always a fun time, and Jazz tickets are usually pretty cheap because, boy, do they suck.
(Photo courtesy of Brian Higgins) Brian Higgins
Brian Higgins is a writer and comedian in Salt Lake City.
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