I became homeless at 17 after I came out. At 40, I’m now stronger for having survived.

At that point, I became homeless.

Being homeless as a teenager is the defining moment of my life

My high-school guidance counselor told me I was the first homeless kid the school ever had, and they didn’t know what to do with me. I started visiting a drop-in center for homeless youth. I also couch-surfed until I was able to rent a basement room near the homeless youth drop-in center. 

Despite being the only homeless kid at my school, I quickly learned how common my experience was. The Trevor Project found that 28% of LGBTQ+ youth reported experiencing homelessness or housing instability in their lives. And a University of Chicago study found LGBTQ+ youth are 120% more likely to experience homelessness than heterosexual and cisgender youth. These numbers are so high because of systemic homophobia and transphobia.

I share these statistics because now, 23 years later, I can look back and see the lessons I learned from my experience. I also know that I am profoundly lucky. I turned 40 this year — an age that so many of my homeless queer peers are never lucky enough to see.

I learned how to survive

Being kicked out taught me I could survive the worst day of my life — so I can survive anything. For example, earlier this year, my 19-year marriage suddenly ended. While I didn’t plan to be in a position of having to rebuild my life at 40, I already knew I could survive the pain.

I’m tougher than I appear. I get to choose what will and won’t break me.

I also often think back to a dinner I had at 17 when a friend asked me if I was queer. This was another pivotal moment for me. I lied and said “no” that night. It was the last time I lied about my queerness.

I learned that hiding my authentic self was never going to protect me. While losing my home and the future I thought I knew as a teenager was horrific, it also taught me an important lesson: The one thing that can’t be taken away is the truth of who you are.

Since my teenage years, I have never been dishonest about who I am. Being out is important for me. I also know that being visibly out is part of creating more supportive places for other LGBTQ+ people, including young people who have experienced homelessness. 

Homelessness also helped me find my real family

I don’t have any contact with the family who raised me. This has been my choice; it’s my way of keeping myself from people who caused me harm during my childhood.

When I was kicked out as a teenager, the most important lesson I learned was that while I might have felt very alone in that moment, I wasn’t actually alone. The queer youth I met at that time built a family with me and saved my life. There’s a long history of queer people being rejected by our families of origin and forming our own chosen families.

I was immediately adopted into a community of other homeless queer youth. They shared resources, advice, and love. These people I shared experiences with became my closest friends and ensured I was never alone.

All these years later, my chosen family has changed and evolved. But this queer, chosen family will always be who I trust, love, and seek out most.