I put off having kids until my mid-30s because of my career and had 9 miscarriages. No one tells you how hard it is.

My mom was a stay-at-home mom until I was 12. My friends and family with young kids were all stay-at-home moms and had the kind of jobs you could put down for a year and come back to.

I would need childcare from day one and couldn’t understand what that would look like, so I kept putting kids off. I wondered if eventually I’d have to choose between my career and children.

We started trying for kids in our mid-30s

When I was 34, my husband and I decided to try for a baby. I was getting older. Speaking to a work friend who had juggled having kids and her full-on job made me realize I could handle it, too. I also started researching nannies and realized that was a feasible option.

I got pregnant quickly, but I had a miscarriage at four months. I thought maybe I’d left it too late and that I wouldn’t be a mom. But I got pregnant again a few months later and had my first child when I was nearly 35.

I started working a week after my son was born

I started working again about a week after my son was born. At that point, there were certain things that only I could do for the business. I remember people coming to my house so that I could price gemstones and work on commissions. I had a screaming baby in one ear, and I was trying to hold it together while I worked. It was difficult, but I managed.

18 months after our son was born, we tried for another baby. We needed start trying before I got too much older, especially already experiencing one miscarriage. I also didn’t want a huge age gap between my kids.

When I had my son, two colleagues stepped up in a way I hadn’t anticipated. That made me feel more confident that my business could would work when I had a second child.

I started trying for a second child within two years

I kept getting pregnant and then losing the baby. I had eight miscarriages over three years. It was really hard and physically draining. Each time, I lost a lot of blood. Once, I had to have a transfusion of four units of blood.

It was tough juggling my business while going through a lot of emotional and physical pain. I didn’t feel I could tell my staff about my miscarriages or lean on them for help. I had this false notion that as a female leader, I couldn’t show weakness. I felt very lonely.

During that time, I had to find a lot of strength inside myself carry on. Even though I wanted my son to have a sibling, I remember thinking: “I have this amazing baby, and some people don’t even have one, so I’m very lucky.”

I didn’t have time to wallow in the reality of what I was going through. My sister was also very supportive.

Having so many miscarriages meant that trying for a baby was getting scarier and scarier. At one point I thought “This is the last time we should try.”

Thankfully, I then got pregnant with my second child, and she was born when I was 39.

It’s physically more draining to have kids in your 30s

Getting pregnant and having two healthy kids when you’re over the age of 35 is hard. Many people manage it, so it doesn’t sound difficult, but unfortunately, not everybody can have kids later. You don’t know if that will be you until you try.

I’ve also found that having kids in your mid- and late 30s is a real physical challenge. Even if you keep fit, the reality can be quite different.

Childbirth is draining on your body, and it takes a while to recover. Once you have a baby, you’re tired all the time. In those early days, I felt like I’d done four hours of exercise each day.

My business might be bigger if I didn’t have kids, but it’s made me a better leader

If I hadn’t had kids or so many miscarriages, it’s possible my business might be further on. But I think parenthood can bring a lot to your work. It makes you a better leader and better at juggling things.

It bugs me people think when a woman goes on maternity leave, they’re going to fall behind. Every woman I know who is brilliant comes back to work even more brilliant.

Making the leap

The unknown is scary so make a plan for how you’re going to juggle your work when you have kids. Talk to your partner and research childcare options – finding a nanny, looking into costs to see if I could afford it, and finding out what hours they could do helped to reassure me.

My advice to others who are thinking about having children would be to make sure that your work is in a sustainable position. Think through all the ideal scenarios and what you’d want to avoid as a working parent — things like your location and working hours, and if what you need is possible.

I don’t regret my choices. I love my amazing children and running my business.