Dear Lisi: My wife is overweight, has errant grey hairs in her already messy mass of frizz, and dresses like it’s still COVID. I love her but I am so NOT attracted to her. She was never thin, or fancy, or made up. She’s a big person who cares about a million other things other than her own appearance.
But when we met, she wasn’t overweight, and she dressed as though she cared. She got her hair done every now and then, even wore makeup on the odd occasion. In other words, she acted as though her existence on this planet was meaningful and she wanted to be noticed — but didn’t want to be in the spotlight.
I noticed her! I noticed her several times until she noticed me. Then I got up the courage to ask her out on a date. She looked gorgeous when I picked her up that night, and every date after that. She cared what she looked like.
And she cared how she looked on our wedding night as well. She glowed in her beautiful gown, and though she had lost some extra weight due to nerves, she was still the person I fell in love with.
Where has she gone and why is she stuck in the sweatpants mode of COVID-19?
Fashion sense gone
Your description of falling for her shows me that you still very much love your wife, which is a great jumping off point. But you are in a very tricky spot. Most women would not respond well to their husband commenting on their physique in a negative way. (And vice versa but I’m focusing on this scenario specifically).
Same goes for the hair, unless your wife has a great sense of humour and is capable of not taking herself too seriously. If that’s the case, you could make a funny comment — nothing hurtful, just something that may give her pause to check herself out in the mirror. She may have reasons why she isn’t getting rid of her greys (which many women do), or it may have never occurred to her. And I get the impression it’s not the colour, just the frizz, that’s bothering you.
Why don’t you invite your wife out on a big date, a special night, to the theatre, or somewhere where it would be appropriate for her to “dress up”? Most people feel good about themselves when they are dressed up; after all, there’s a saying, “clothes make(th) the (wo)man,” which means that the way we dress can influence how others perceive us, but also reflect our personality and that make us feel confident.
Dear Lisi: My boyfriend keeps asking me what I want to do on our fifth anniversary. I KNOW what I want to do, but I don’t want to tell him. I want HIM to decide…. but I want him to do what I want. Does that make sense?
The truth is, I’m always the one who makes plans for us as a couple. He’s very capable of making plans with his buddies to go to the gym, or play pickup basketball or go to a friend’s cottage for the weekend. But for some reason, I always choose the restaurant, I always make plans with other couples for dinner, or to go to a movie or a bar.
And I ALWAYS make our big plans, like anniversaries, birthdays, vacations holidays, etc. I want him to do it this time!
Step up!
You are setting yourself up for disappointment if you want something specific but aren’t telling your boyfriend what that is. He is NOT a mind reader.
Get creative and drop hints; involve family and friends to put bugs in his ear; or just be open and honest and tell him what you want.
FEEDBACK Regarding the mom in the middle (Aug. 2):
Reader #1– How pleasant will a wedding be if half the guests are invited under duress? Who needs the headache and drama? Get married with a few friends and your parents at City Hall, or with another officiant, and put the money thereby saved into a savings account for a house or for the expenses of child-rearing. There is nothing more pitiful than the photo album detailing an expensive wedding if the marriage breaks up — which happens in 40 per cent of first-time marriages.
Reader #2 – Who is paying for the wedding and the reception? If it’s the bride and groom, then they probably have a small budget. Perhaps they’re saving up for a house, furnishings for the house, children, etc.
It’s up to the bride and groom where to place their priorities. And if people don’t want to attend, they shouldn’t.
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
