Asking Eric: She embarrasses me and I don’t want to travel overseas with her … how do I tell her?

DEAR ERIC: I have a friend I’ve known since high school. We are now in our 30s. Although we are different and have different interests, we have enough common ground to maintain our friendship. I’ve traveled extensively outside the country and she wants us to go on an international trip together. I do not want to, but I don’t know how to say it without hurting her feelings.

I can only make excuses for so long. She’ll find out I’ve traveled with other people. Our travel styles are different, our financial abilities are different and she embarrasses me in social situations. She also lacks common sense. Think Cousin Eddy from “National Lampoon”. How can I politely let her know a trip isn’t in the cards?

– Solo Traveler

DEAR TRAVELER: One of the most empowering lessons of my 30s was that some friends are simply “at-home” friends. An at-home friend’s sleep schedule or capacity for random adventure or Duolingo level are of little concern when we’re just chilling at a coffee shop, but the minute a passport comes out, all bets are off.

Have a conversation with your friend about your different travel styles. This is the least loaded of your objections to her. If you’re an early riser who likes to hike all day and she sleeps late and wants to lay on a beach, then you’re not aligned. It’s fine to point that out.

The other objections are a tad concerning – why are you friends with someone who embarrasses you socially and has no common sense? Could some of this travel anxiety also be about whether you want to be friends at all? Something to consider.

But back to the matter at hand: ask her what she was hoping to get out of a trip together. Maybe what she really needs is advice on how to plan. But even if she’s envious of your social media posts from far-flung locales and wants to join, it’s perfectly acceptable to set a boundary in this friendship. It just so happens that, when it comes to traveling with her, your boundary is the border of the United States of America.

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DEAR ERIC: Just a note to let you know that I appreciate your column and your wise advice to those who write to you! I also wanted to add a suggestion to your message to the person who wondered whether they should send a card in acknowledgement of their friends’ anniversary after one of them has passed away (Friend in Grief). I suggest that it be a “Thinking of You” card. They could acknowledge the anniversary within without it being an anniversary card. Sentiments of “Happy Anniversary” when it’s not would not be well received. That seems like common sense, but maybe it’s not all that common. I know that my mom appreciates that acknowledgement on my parents’ anniversary, so I thought I would share it.

– Card-Carrying Reader

DEAR READER: Thank you for reading and for this suggestion! “Thinking of You” cards are a great way to acknowledge an important, but complicated date.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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