Dear Richard Madeley: My old friend has become a health and fitness bore – I feel judged by him

Dear Richard,

An old friend has become a bit of a health, fitness and exercise bore and I’m not sure how to deal with it. We have known each other for donkey’s years, and now live in neighbouring villages. We’re both retired but comfortably off and in good health. Our customary meeting place was the pub, it has to be said, but we didn’t overindulge.

My friend got into exercise during lockdown, running and cycling, and the results are impressive – he’s lost a lot of weight. (Though I would say he proves the adage about having to choose between your body and your face after a certain age.) My stance is definitely good luck to him. Except now he won’t meet unless there’s some kind of exercise involved.

We have gone on runs together but he’s just much fitter than I am, and I can tell it’s frustrating for him. We meet to take my dog for a walk and my friend’s the one straining at the leash. Worst of all, our pub lunches are off the menu – we’ve tried, but I feel self-conscious about having a couple of pints while he’s on the lime and soda, and there’s never any food that meets his exacting specification.

I feel we’re at the stage where we should be enjoying life and not being too hard on ourselves; I suppose I don’t like this feeling of being judged by someone I always felt was on the same page. How can we meet one another halfway?

— Anon, Wilts

Dear Anon,

Hmm. I write elsewhere here today about everything having its season: I fear this friendship of yours may have moved into its winter of discontent.

You ask how you can meet one another halfway, but you’ve already tried that, haven’t you? You’ve joined your friend on his runs; you try to speed up when walking the dog with him; you’ve tried meeting at the pub, but his avoidance of alcohol and fussiness over food puts a right old dampener on things.

In other words, he’s no fun any more. Your friendship was never based on physical fitness and diet, but now both those factors dominate every time you meet. It’s not what you signed up for, is it? It does you credit that you genuinely wish your friend well in his personal fitness drive, but that doesn’t mean you have to join him on the journey.

I think a spot of frankness is what’s called for here. Tell your friend exactly what you’ve told me. Explain your feelings of frustration and inadequacy when you try to match his regime, and be honest about how much you miss just being able to sit down for a relaxed chat with him over a drink and a decent meal. 

Ask him if he can make an exception to his routine when you meet up, even if it’s only once a fortnight. He won’t be choosing friendship over fitness – he can have both. He just needs to integrate your lifestyle into his a bit more. And isn’t that what friendship’s all about?

You can find more of Richard Madeley’s advice here or submit your own dilemma below.