I Found Out What My Son Has Been Watching at His Friend’s House. Uh Oh.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My son “Edgar” is in third grade. He befriended “Gus” at school a few years ago, and they have been in class together since. Gus lives in the neighborhood, and is a distant relative on my husband’s side of the family. The kids have play dates, and although Gus is a difficult child to handle in large doses (he is prone to tantrums, extremely anxious, and we’ve heard him threaten to end the friendship if Edgar doesn’t give in to his demands), my husband and I decided that the best course of action was to just let this play out naturally—we feel that either Gus will mature or Edgar will outgrow him. We do talk to Edgar when he’s frustrated with Gus about how every child is different and we should be kind to everyone because we don’t know their situations, but we also remind him that we aren’t required to hang out with someone who makes us feel bad.

But recently, Edgar was at Gus’s house after school with another classmate, “Kyle,” and even though Gus’s mom was there, Gus and Kyle put on a very non-kid-friendly horror movie and watched it for an extended period of time. (Think: a man selling his skin, a possessed girl with her head backward crab-walking, etc., all hyper-realistic.) I knew Kyle and Gus were into horror—they talk about it!—but I always assumed it was more Five Nights at Freddy’s level (not my cup of tea, but still PG), not this, which I consider grossly inappropriate for 8-year-olds by any parent’s standards. Now I have a child at home who has spent the last five nights sleeping all or part of the night with me in his bed, the first two of which he was so frightened he’d scream if I left the room even for a minute. Where do I go from here?

My husband thinks that given the other issues, we should cut the friendship with Gus outside of school. I feel like that would seem like we were punishing Edgar for being honest with us about what he watched and where he saw it, and instead, we should just put stricter terms around play dates (only at our house or a neutral location, like a park) and continue to let Edgar lose interest in Gus in his own. (Gus is neither his only, nor preferred, friend.) I also am not sure what conversation to have with the other mom. I want to be straightforward but don’t want to put Edgar in a position to be teased by his friends for being afraid (of something he has every right to be freaked out by!). I also worry about Gus. Every time he is at our house, he is anxious to the point of absurdity: He can’t walk 2 feet into our garage on a sunny day because it’s too scary; he had to stop playing outside at noon because the shadows scare him in our (mostly treeless, very small, very suburban) backyard. Now I think I see the root cause of this. But is that my place to say or do I just focus on my own child?

—Horror Flicks Are Not for Kids!

Dear Horror,

First of all, I think you’re right about the way to handle this friendship going forward. If Edgar continues to want to see Gus, he must see him at your house or outdoors (under your supervision). And I think all play dates should be initiated by Edgar (in other words, if Gus’s mother calls, asking to set one up—or if Gus comes running up to you at pickup time asking if he can come home with you today, and Edgar isn’t also clamoring for this—you should politely decline). When you say no, you can cite already-made plans (and then quickly make some, even if it’s just grocery shopping or at-home Mom-and-me time). When Edgar asks to spend time with Gus, that’s when you arrange it with the strictures in place.

As to your concerns about Gus: I’m with you. I think this child is not being adequately parented. But this is very tricky. Since being lackadaisical about what content her 8-year-old consumes is unlikely to be the only problem—my guess is it’s the tip of the iceberg—and Gus’s anxiety and other issues are almost certainly more complicated than only a reaction to this exposure, you would have to proceed very cautiously. No parent likes being told they’re not doing right by their child. And while Gus’s mom may well figure out that you don’t want your child left in her care (I mean, surely she’ll eventually notice that Edgar is no longer allowed to visit, even if you never say so outright), she is likely to take offense—and perhaps take it out on her troubled child.

Consider a discreet conversation with the children’s teacher, and/or the school nurse or counselor if there is one, asking them to keep an eye on Gus. The most I would do at this juncture, where his mother is concerned, is mention (as if in passing) that you were surprised the kids were allowed to watch that movie, that the kind of movies your child usually watches are [whatever they are]. See what she says. Did she not notice what they’d put on? Or does she think it was just fine for them to watch it? Does she tell you you’re being overprotective, or does she shrug—like, why are we having this stupid conversation? Or (my faint hope) does she ask you why you’re surprised, and why you protect your child from this sort of thing? You might go so far as to ask: “Doesn’t Gus find this stuff pretty scary? I know I do!” At the very least, this may give her something to think about (even if she says, defensively, in the moment, “Nah, he likes it”). But I don’t think it’s your place to talk to her about Gus’s anxiety and fears, or about her parenting. I applaud you for not wanting this child to fall between the cracks even as you protect your own child. But tread carefully, so as not to make things worse for him.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

We have three adult children. One is successful and has been out of the house for years. The youngest just finished high school and is in the military. The problem is our middle child. He is smart, capable, and fun to be around, but he quits when things are difficult or don’t immediately work out in his favor. He rarely holds a job for more than a few months, usually citing a mean boss or difficult co-workers as the reason he left. He took the military placement test and did well enough to get his “dream job,” but he quit before finishing bootcamp. He found a great opportunity as an electrician’s apprentice, which he kept telling us was going well, and then was fired for underperforming. He keeps making bad decisions and refusing to put in the work to secure his future, and he is running out of opportunities (of which he has had many).

He comes to us, and to his older sibling, for advice, which he then ignores. He sees the lifestyle that I and others have achieved, but fails to understand that he is looking at the end result of a lifetime of effort, including having to face many challenges and disappointments. Some of this is youthful foolishness, but he doesn’t learn from his failures, and I worry this is just how he is and will always be. I want to tell him I am disappointed in him and do some “tough love” (e.g. refuse to let him move home when things don’t work out yet again) but he recently had a breakdown and nearly overdosed on pills. It doesn’t help that I am going through some problems in my own life and just don’t have the mental or financial bandwidth to deal with his problems as well. Any advice?

—Parent to Difficult Middle Child

Dear Difficult,

You want to tell your struggling grown child that you’re disappointed in him? Your child who recently had a “breakdown” and a suicide attempt? What do you suppose it would accomplish to let him know that you have had it with him? (I know what you want it to accomplish: You want him to “realize” the error of his ways, clean up his act, and be more like his siblings—and you want to be free of the burden of worrying about him and helping him. The former is absolutely not going to happen through “tough love”—and, frankly, telling him he’s a disappointment to you sounds like the “tough” without the “love” anyway—and the latter? Well, as far as I’m concerned, the responsibility of parents to the children they’ve brought into the world has no expiration date.)

Your middle child isn’t being difficult on purpose. There is something wrong. The pattern you describe is a sign of mental illness, not of laziness, foolishness, or whatever else you’re ascribing it to. He needs help. He may need medication; he surely needs therapy. Tell him that. See if you, his siblings, or anyone else he trusts can persuade him to see a mental health professional. A psychiatrist should be the first stop: He needs to be evaluated for depression, anxiety, ADHD, and other conditions. And he needs your love, not your disappointment; your compassion, not your comparisons to his older and younger siblings; your best self, not your tough self. I’m really sorry you’re going through difficulties of your own. But they don’t absolve you from caring about your son. Find the bandwidth.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I have an 8-year-old son, “Cody,” who is just starting second grade. He has always been well-behaved, so I was shocked when his teacher gave me a call to share some concerns she had. There was this assignment they did where they had to get up and tell the class about something they’d read or done over the summer. Cody talked about some comic books from my husband’s collection that he discovered in the attic, where we’d long ago stored them.

We knew about that part—that he’d found and read some of his dad’s comics—but apparently the teacher asked if there were any characters he particularly liked and why, and Cody’s favorite character was one of the villains. He said he knew he was “not supposed to root for the bad guys, but this one had all of the most awesome lines.” Then he quoted one that the teacher wrote down, because it was so disturbing to her: “Cocaine is my god and I am a human instrument of its will.” When one of the other kids asked what cocaine was, Cody confidently declared that it was a white power that Snowflame breathed in to activate his superpowers. I assured the teacher that we don’t use drugs at home (she asked!) and that we didn’t realize there was any objectional material in those comics. My husband’s going to do a thorough inventory and make sure he can’t get into anything else that isn’t age-appropriate, but I’m not sure what kind of conversation we should be having with our son. I don’t even think he fully realizes that cocaine is an illegal and dangerous drug, so I guess we can start there. But I’m not sure how to tell him what is and isn’t appropriate to talk about in public like that.

—Closing the Barn Door

Dear Barn Door,

I think this is a tempest in a teapot. The teacher was doing due diligence, calling to ask about drug use at home (though if you and your husband were a couple of cokeheads, would you have been likely to confess that?), as well as letting you know that he’d said something that concerned her about the media he was consuming, but I don’t think this episode is a big deal at all. Tell him what cocaine actually is, sure. Explain why it worried his teacher. But I wouldn’t hammer home the idea that some things aren’t appropriate to talk about. That would only make him secretive. And leaving it to an 8-year-old to figure out what is or isn’t an acceptable subject for public discourse is a pretty big burden to put on him. So just move right along, OK?

Dear Care and Feeding,

I am a father to two amazing, well-behaved kids (a 14-year-old girl and a 10-year-old boy), who live with me half the time. We live in a two-bedroom apartment, and recently my daughter has become more and more discontent with sharing a room with her brother. She says that she’s uncomfortable sharing a room with a sibling of the opposite sex at her age, that she wants more privacy, and that it’s very difficult being unable to study at her desk at night—all of which I totally understand!

But my current financial situation doesn’t allow us to move to a three-bedroom (she is aware of this). We looked at installing a privacy curtain, but their room simply isn’t big enough for half of it to be enough for either of them. She’s also allowed to spend time alone in my room during the evenings, before bedtime, but it doesn’t make up for the sleeping arrangements. The past few nights, she’s been on the verge of tears. She’s asked to sleep in the living room or at her mom’s house (where she has her own room), and it’s breaking my heart to see her so sad. Do I move to a cheaper area of the city, farther from their school, where I could afford a three-bedroom? Do I let her sleep at her mom’s house every night? Is it fair to her to keep her waiting a few more years? Is there an option I’m not thinking of?

—It’s Getting Claustrophobic in Here

Dear Claustrophobic,

For heaven’s sake, either give her the living room and forgo a living room (or partition it, if it’s big enough—giving her the larger portion and reserving the smaller part for the three of you to hang out in together) or else (and better yet) you start sleeping in the living room—replace whatever sofa you have now with one that folds out—and give her your room. Of course at 14 she doesn’t want to share a room with her little brother. Or anyone. She does need privacy, an area of her own in which to do her homework, read, listen to music, talk on the phone with or entertain friends in person, and just be. And yes, I know, you want a private space of your own too. But you have the apartment half the time for your private space/life/needs. And in four years, she’ll be out of both your place and your ex’s. Give her what she needs by making a sacrifice of your own. That’s the option you’re not thinking of.

—Michelle

More Advice From Slate

I have a son (9), and two daughters (5 and 6 months). About a month ago, a new family moved in a couple blocks away. They also have a 9-year-old boy (Luke), who’s in my son’s class. The boys hit it off at school and started asking to hang out with each other more often. After one meet-up at the neighborhood park, we set something up at our house after school. The boys had a great time. The next day, I got a text from Luke’s mother asking me to call her. Alarmed, I called her immediately, and she asked me if I breastfeed my 6-month-old.