I love finding ways to save money, but my friends just think I’m stingy. How do I get them to be reasonable?

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• For Love & Money is a weekly Business Insider column answering relationship and money questions.
• This week, a reader loves saving money, but their friends are annoyed at their habits.
• Our columnist says being thrifty isn’t wrong, but they need to examine how they affect their friends.
• Got a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.

Dear For Love & Money,

I like money. I like saving it and watching it grow. It makes me feel safe and successful, but I also think it’s fun to challenge myself with retail hacks. It’s a hobby, but all of my friends call me stingy and act annoyed.

I don’t judge them for their spending, and I don’t make my penny-pinching ways their problem, so why do they get to put me down for mine?

Sincerely,

Smart, Not Stingy

Dear Smart,

It’s always hard to know when to ignore the haters because they haven’t walked in your shoes and when to listen because we all have blind spots.

I find it helpful to ask myself a couple of questions: Are they all saying the same thing? By “all,” I mean more than one person from different parts of my life. Are my friends giving me the same feedback as my siblings and coworkers? If the answer is yes, I self-reflect and pay attention to how this behavior affects people around me. That’s my second question — is my behavior affecting anyone else?

Sometimes, even if it is, I don’t change. My priorities are my family and my mental health, even when it’s inconvenient for other people. In other cases, I realize I’m the problem and must change. For instance, if I’m always showing up late due to my poor time management, I’m implicitly expecting other people to waste their precious time waiting for me. I want to be the best version of myself, and if everyone is telling me directly or indirectly that I have a bad habit, I want to fix it.

All of your friends say you’re cheap. That answers the first question. Is everyone saying the same thing? Yes. That brings us to the second question: Is your budgeting hobby hurting other people more than it is helping you? You answered this question in your letter when you said, “I don’t make my penny-pinching ways their problem.” However, I think it’s worth examining this assertion before disregarding the collective criticism you’re receiving from your friends.

I have a friend who reminds me a lot of you. We’ve been close since we were kids, and over the years, her money-loving personality has affected me in a lot of ways, from mild irritation to real problems.

Here is a non-comprehensive list: strong-arming me into splitting an entrée; embarrassing me by going over the finer details of expired coupons with shopkeepers and restaurant wait staff; making me wait in line with her for over an hour as she argued with a Victoria’s Secret employee about accepting a return for the original selling price so she could rebuy it for the clearance price; always using her credit card for shared purchases so she could get the points and have me reimburse her afterward.

Like you, I am sure she would characterize the other items on my list as her just doing her thing and not making her penny-pinching my problem. But she did make these things my problem because I wanted a whole meal, not half of one. I wanted to cut the 19-year-old server a break and take the loss, not sit in mortified silence while she made a scene. I wanted to shop, not spend my afternoon waiting in line as she fought for her right to make ethically ambiguous returns. And you know what? While I wouldn’t consider penny-pinching a hobby of mine, traveling is, so I, too, want to earn points as often as possible.

Consider how you enjoy your money-saving hobby and the context of your friends calling you “stingy.” I am sure you aren’t taking advantage of their generosity to save yourself money, but it isn’t all about the money. There is also their time, dignity, preferences, and passions to consider.

If you can look over your behavior and say with a clear conscience, “I’m not expecting them to participate, even as bystanders,” by all means, ignore their teasing. Better yet, tease them back about their spending. To your point, if they can dish it, they have to take it. And maybe after you turn their “jokes” into an awkward, passive-aggressive exchange a couple of times, they will realize you aren’t enjoying this running bit.

However, if you recognize yourself in my description of my friend, think about what changes you are willing to make and which you aren’t. You may have noticed I’m referring to my friend in the present tense because, despite her cheapskate tendencies causing trouble, we have remained close for over two decades, mostly because I set up boundaries.

She’s a good friend with a sweet heart, and while she doesn’t understand my hunger for my own entrée or my embarrassment and impatience, she respects my wishes anyway. In your case, I wouldn’t wait for your friends to establish boundaries and compromises. Instead, I would construct them yourself. Figure out how your penny-pinching ways affect others and eliminate your negative impact. This doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy watching your pile grow, but do it on your own time.

If you’re doing that, then your friends can’t complain. They may not even realize you’re still living your best cheapskate life.

Rooting for you,

For Love & Money

Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.