I raised my kids in Denmark. When we returned to the US, they were far more independent than their American peers.

• Becca Itkowitz left the US with her husband and two young sons and lived in Denmark for three years.
• The boys particularly liked it as their parents and school embraced the non-helicopter culture.
• The family was shocked and disappointed by the coddling of kids when they returned to the US.

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Becca Itkowitz,48, from Illinois. She appeared in the new book, “The Danish Secret to Happy Kids,” which champions Nordic parenting. Her interview with Business Insider has been edited for length and clarity.

A few months after my family moved back to our native US from Denmark, I received a phone call from the principal of my son Max’s school.

He had made a snowball during recess and was in trouble even though he hadn’t thrown it at anybody. “It’s not allowed because anything you pick up could become a weapon,” the principal said.

They paused, waiting for my reaction. I started laughing because I thought it was a joke. Then I realized it wasn’t. “I’ll have a word with Max when he gets home,” I said.

When we talked to him, it seemed as absurd to my then-10-year-old boy as it did to me. “This is dumb,” he said. “I wasn’t going to hurt anyone.”

We agreed that it was ridiculous that you couldn’t even make a snowball or pick up a stick without being disciplined.

The experience sharply contrasted how Max had been treated in school — and by us, as his parents — in Denmark, where we’d lived for three years between 2014 and 2017.

There, children were actively encouraged to make outdoor shelters out of wooden logs, walk into town, or take public transport on their own.

Our parenting was hands-off when in Denmark

They were given a level of freedom that nurtured a sense of adventure — a quality that gave them independence and confidence.

When we moved to Denmark because of my husband’s job at Lego, Max was 7, and his brother, Evan, was 5. They’d do many things for themselves, such as walking and biking to places within a safe distance.

At first, we were surprised. As Americans, we were programmed to think the white van would pull up and take our kids. But then we were drawn into the hands-off culture.

Danish kids, who don’t start school until 6, are encouraged not to rely on adults from the outset. They nearly always go outside for recess, dressed for the weather. They learn to put on and remove their coats and rain boots and then put them in a locker.

Several times, I’d pick up Max from school and find him and his classmates cooking bread over an open fire in the playground. The dough would be either wrapped around a stick or baked in circles on the heated bricks around the fire.

When Evan was a tween, after our return to Illinois, I offered to have a fall bonfire for his friends in my backyard. People thought that the boys were going to set the neighborhood on fire. It was a complete 180 from our experience in Denmark, where the kids understood to be careful.

Kids had fun building forts from logs in the woods

Danish playgrounds were safely fenced in but set up with tunnels, nooks, and crannies to allow children to do their own thing away from the adults. They were designed to welcome play.

Max enjoyed his classes because they were creative. The kids might take a box of yarn and some fabric and work together to make an outfit. Or they would be out collecting branches to build a fort in the woods near the school.

At his school, lunches were served family-style. The children set the table and helped themselves from a big dish in the middle. They’d eat various cold cuts and cheeses. There would be a conversation, and they’d encourage each other to try different foods. Then they’d clean up after themselves.

Eight years ago, we returned to the US. Despite the initial shock of the kids having less freedom at school, we love living here. But we’re grateful we had the chance to raise our children in Denmark — at least for a while. It has set them on the path to a more independent future.

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