I was raised to believe I should be generous at all costs, but I want to meet my own needs too

However, I was raised in a household where it was deeply ingrained that we were to be generous and help others at all costs. Being selfish was a cardinal sin. My mom would tell stories about how my grandfather would cook a large pot of soup for churchgoers at his Catholic parish in Vietnam and leave nothing for himself to eat.

While I do want to help my family, this messaging isn’t conducive to tucking funds away for Future Me and putting my own financial needs and goals top of mind. To figure out the best way to strike a balance — focusing on my financial needs with helping my family — I spoke with Thao Truong, a certified financial planner at Morton Wealth, on how to best do this.

Communicate your perspective

One thing you can try is communicating with your loved ones about how you’re doing what’s best for your entire family in the long term, explains Truong. By taking care of your financial needs, you’ll be in a much better place to care for your loved ones.

Truong moved from Vietnam to the States as a teenager. Her parents were going through bankruptcy back in Vietnam, and Truong took on jobs while in school to support them. She felt she had to learn financial independence so she could take care of her parents back home.

Budget for your loved ones and set expectations

You can also strike a balance by budgeting a certain amount to send home on a monthly basis. Depending on your situation, you not only need to know your wants and needs, but you also might need to know your family’s wants and needs.

In the case of Truong, she eventually got to a point where she drew the line by sending her family in Vietnam a specific amount each month and letting them know it’s on them to figure out how they want to spend it. “Ideally, both sides need to have an understanding of where you’re coming from and have the right expectations,” says Truong.

Consider talking to your loved ones about what they really need and what’s essential to their survival. Truong realized that if she kept sending her family money like this, they wouldn’t learn to control their own budget.

“Just waiting for a paycheck from me, I’m enabling them. I’m not teaching them the right habits,” Truong says. “Last, I’m preventing my own ability to save for my emergency fund, to build my investment account. In the long run, I’m not doing everyone a favor.”

Get a handle on your financial situation and set clear goals

Financial wellness means having a healthy, well-balanced relationship with money, says Truong. “To achieve this, you need to understand your financial situation thoroughly,” says Truong.

Truong suggests doing the following:

• To start, take a good look at your income and expenses. Figure out if you’re living within your means. “Living within your means is crucial for building wealth,” she says. “Even high earners can struggle if they don’t manage their spending.”
• Set clear financial goals. What do you hope to achieve in the next three, five, 10, and 20 years? For example, you might plan to pay off your student loans in three years. “Establish a timeline for these goals, and develop a spending strategy that allocates your monthly income to needs, wants, and future savings,” says Truong.
• Find ways to diversify your income. Once you have a spending strategy in place, Truong recommends exploring ways to increase wealth and diversify your income sources — for instance, through your job, benefits, side gigs, and investments.

Don’t let emotions drive your decisions — and help your family learn to do the same

Emotions are normal, but don’t let them drive your money decisions, recommends Truong. “You can respond to the emotions, but you don’t have to react,” she says. “Step back and ask yourself why you feel this way. Do you think these feelings are reflecting your current situation correctly?”

You’ll also want to steer your family toward financial education and resources — and always aim to continuously expand your financial knowledge. “Small, incremental changes can lead to significant success over time,” says Truong.

Consider working with a professional

Changes can be challenging, but that’s how you’ll grow. Get help from a professional. If you’re wrestling with difficult emotions, for instance, guilt that you’re failing your family, or a fear of losing them by setting boundaries, it could be helpful to work with a financial therapist.

If you want help with your financial situation and juggling your needs and your family’s needs, consider working with a financial advisor. Truong suggests looking into the Foundation for Financial Planning, which has a directory of nonprofits that work with certified financial planners who offer pro bono support.