I’m much older than my 2 siblings. I helped raise them, and now, I don’t want kids.

I felt like a pseudo-mom to both my siblings

From the moment my sister was born, I stepped into a mini-parent role. Because my parents separated when I was only four, my dad raised me on his own while my mom came in and out of my life because of ongoing addiction issues.

I was 9 when they briefly reunited (and I do mean briefly), and my sister came to be. As her older sister, I helped out with her care not because anyone asked, but because my mom wasn’t around much. On the weekends when we went to my mom’s house, I felt a responsibility to take care of my sister, because my mom wasn’t a good caretaker. When we stayed at home, I became a second set of hands to help my dad and granny change diapers, warm bottles, and read bedtime stories.

By the time my half-brother came along, who was from another relationship my dad had, I had just turned 16. Though I was older, smarter, and more capable of helping with his care, I also had a busier social life and a huge school workload full of AP classes, so I couldn’t be as hands-on. However, I would still do things like babysit and help to calm down his crying when he had colic. It was then that I first had an inkling that raising kids wasn’t in the cards for me.

Unlike all of my other friends at school, who told me about their daydreams of having multiple children and being a super-mom, I just didn’t long for it the way that they did. To me, it always felt more like an expectation from society rather than something that would actually be fulfilling for me.

Kids are an expense I’m not willing to take on

Plus, raising children is so expensive. As an adult, with a much better concept of money, it’s even more clear to me now: I’d rather spend my own money on traveling, designer items, or investing in a puppy. Anything other than raising a child. Some may think of that as selfish, but I’ve worked to get where I am, and I’m of the belief that a woman has a right to make the choice of where her hard-earned cash goes.

I also saw the expenses stack up on my dad, who was a single parent, and it made a lasting impression. Instead of yearning for a husband and babies, I grew up valuing financial stability and independence, and the idea of having kids never seemed to line up with that.

When I finally went to college, it felt like a breath of fresh air. For the first time in my life, I had the freedom to do things I really loved, like taking a poetry class. My newfound independence wasn’t just a time of growth but also liberation. I explored who I am and what I want, and discovered what it was like to make decisions just for me. I realized how much I cherished my freedom and autonomy, and how, even when I really tried thought about it, I just didn’t want kids of my own.

I love being a sister — I just don’t want to be a mom

I love my siblings with my entire heart. Choosing to live a child-free life isn’t about resentment toward them; being their big sister has fulfilled me and given me the things I always dreamed of when I was still an only child. I loved taking care of them then, and I am happy to be there for them now, too.

In many ways, being a big sister and shown me what I don’t want and what I do want: I want to be the cool auntie who travels, to have a fulfilling career, and to enjoy financial success without the worry of providing for another person. If I know anything about myself, it’s that I love my solitude and the ability to make choices freely. Sure, I deeply admire parents and the incredible job they do, but parenthood simply doesn’t fit into the life I want to build for myself.

Sometimes, people tell me that I might change my mind or that I’ll regret not having kids. They say, “You’ll change your mind,” or, “You’re missing out on a life experience.” But I know I won’t change my mind, and while it is a life experience I won’t have, that doesn’t mean I’m missing out on something.

There are plenty of other experiences I won’t have (like thrill-seeking bungy-jumping or swimming with sharks) that I also I don’t need to experience to know that they aren’t for me. I’ve lived the life of a big sister, a confidant to my little sister and brother, a caretaker, and, in many ways, what felt like a pseudo-mom when my mom wasn’t able to be all she needed for us. But I know that I can live a full, happy life without feeling shame for being child-free.

Helping to raise my siblings was a special privilege. It taught me so much about unconditional love, even on days when we all hated each other and fought in the doorways of our rooms. But I wouldn’t change a thing. Getting to their big sister has been a true honor, and when they really need me, they know I’m always going to be there. Maybe I do have some maternal instincts, after all.