Imagining the true horror of FIFA’s World Cup final half-time show

FIFA has announced that there will be a Super Bowl-style half-time show for the first time during the 2026 World Cup final.

The spectacle has become part of the Super Bowl tradition with huge acts like Rihanna, Justin Timberlake, Lady Gaga and Coldplay performing in recent years. But how might FIFA’s version look? Let The Athletic speculate…

The half-time whistle blows at the MetLife New York New Jersey Stadium. It’s England 0 Portugal 0, a dreadful 45 minutes of little goalmouth action and a combined xG of 0.15. FIFA immediately issues a press release proclaiming the first half, sponsored by Hyundai, to be the greatest first half of any World Cup final ever.

As the players start to head down the tunnel, sponsored by Adidas, there is concern as a selfie hunter sprints towards Cristiano Ronaldo, who failed to touch the ball in the first half. Security are stood down when they realise it’s just Portugal head coach Roberto Martinez. He rushes to congratulate Ronaldo on his performance so far and asks for a selfie. Ronaldo asks who the man is and declines.

The lights go down and FIFA’s first-ever World Cup half-time show, sponsored by Visa, is about to begin.

First up, Oasis, whose presence has automatically added £350 to the price of every ticket in the stadium. Liam Gallagher gruffly shouts the lyrics to Wonderwall through a megaphone while guest tambourinist Alessandro Del Piero plays along.

Mark “Clatts” Clattenburg, in full referee kit, stands between brothers Liam and Noel, poised to officiate any feud. Clatts is sporting a new World Cup 2026 tattoo on his left arm he’s had done especially for the occasion.

Mark Clattenburg (Shaun Botterill/Getty Images)

Little sparkly droplets begin to gently fall on the band from above. Confetti? No, it’s salt, being dropped from a huge 40ft crane above the stage by Salt Bae.

Noel cuts the performance short. “We didn’t sign up to this, this is supposed to be about the music, for the people,” he shouts, before reminding the crowd that they can buy England’s new fifth goalkeeper kit which the band are all wearing, designed by guitarist Bonehead, for £129.99.

While the stage is being prepared for the next act, it is announced that FIFA will end global poverty in the next five minutes.

Hundreds of local impoverished children walk onto the field to be given free double cheeseburgers from FIFA’s Global Fatty Food Partner McDonald’s and cans of coke from Sugary Drinks Partner Coca-Cola. John Terry, sporting the full kit from Chelsea’s victorious 2025 FIFA Club World Cup campaign, then hands each child a meal voucher to the value of £2 to be used on a long-haul Qatar Airways flight.

DJ David Guetta is keeping the music going, playing a house remix of American Pie with new vocals performed by Pitbull. “Guys I just wanna give a shout out to Gianni Infantino,” he yells. “He came to me and said, ‘David, FIFA want to end world poverty, help me do it’, and I said yes. So now let’s have a moment of silence for every person that has ever been lost to poverty.”

David Guetta – could he end world hunger? (Guillaume Souvant/AFP via Getty Images)

There is a pause for half a second before Guetta presses play on his remixed future rave version of Food Glorious Food. And with that, FIFA declares that global poverty has been eradicated forever.

Black Eyed Peas are next, and start to perform one of their new songs before Infantino dashes on stage to remind Will.i.am that they are contractually obliged to play only I Gotta Feeling, sponsored by Budweiser.

Christian Karembeu joins the performance, singing the ‘woo-hoo’ parts, while Sepp Blatter appears in hologram form (Infantino has banned him from attending in person) to sing the “I got my money, let’s spend it up” line.

The Black Eyed Peas – never knowingly under-FIFA’d (Gianluigi Guercia/AFP via Getty Images)

It’s been 20 minutes since the first half ended and the players are waiting patiently in the tunnel, but the show isn’t done yet. Everyone is asked to stand for the national anthem of Saudi Arabia, performed by Drake.

As the anthem ends, people lift cards above their heads to reveal a giant mosaic of a smiling Mohammed bin Salman.

Finally, the show is done. Luis Figo and Javier Zanetti jointly carry the ball onto the field, before DJ Khaled is brought pitchside to blow the ceremonial whistle to begin the second half. Sponsored by Wanda Group.