Jamie Lee Curtis said the secret to her 40-year-marriage is a ‘really good dose of hatred’

“Like all of a sudden, you literally wanna hate each other. And the next day, it’s a pretty sunny day, and the dog does something cute, and your child does something cute, and you look at each other, and you’re like, ‘aw, gosh,’ and then you’re on another track,” Curtis, 65, said.

She added that “perseverance, patience, gentleness, and a really good dose of hatred” is what she thinks makes a marriage work.

The “Everything Everywhere All at Once” star said actor Marlo Thomas and the late Phil Donahue published a book on long marriages, “What Makes a Marriage Last: 40 Celebrated Couples Share with Us the Secrets to a Happy Life.”

Thomas and Donahue, who had been married for 44 years, asked Curtis what she thought the secret to a long marriage was. Curtis said she replied, “The amount you can hate each other and stay in it.”

Curtis recalled asking if she was the first to bring up hating her spouse. She said Thomas replied, “Mmmhmm.”

“I said, well, that’s the truth. You’re going to hate each other,” Curtis said, adding, “We’re human beings.”

“And so, not leaving. Not allowing that hatred to then cause you to make some choice that you’re gonna regret. I think that’s really the secret,” she said.

In an essay that Curtis wrote for People in 2022, she recalled opening an issue of Rolling Stone in 1984 and seeing Guest in a story. She said, “I’m gonna marry that guy,” — and six months later, she did. The couple went on to have two daughters, Annie, 37, and Ruby, 28.

In 2015, Curtis told Today that her marriage advice was not to get divorced. “It’s a fascinating thing,” she said. “I could write a book on marriage called ‘Don’t Leave.'”

The science of loving and hating your partner

A marriage is not always rainbows and butterflies — and research has shown that that’s normal.

In a 2014 study published in the Social Psychological and Personality Science, researchers asked 37 participants to think about their significant other and then report their positive and negative feelings about the person. Although participants were quick to categorize positive words after seeing their partners’ names, they associated negative words with them faster.

The researchers concluded that people don’t love or hate their partners. Rather, they love and hate them.

And while hatred can sometimes manifest as criticism, there are ways to keep a relationship from too much negativity. Avigail Lev, a San Francisco therapist, previously told Business Insider that couples can follow psychologist John Gottman’s “magic ratio of 5:1.”

Based on the ratio, Gottman advised couples to follow up with five positive interactions for every negative interaction. Lev said an example is giving five compliments for every criticism you give your partner.

“We don’t have to decrease criticisms,” Lev said. “We just add more appreciation and gratitude.”

A representative for Curtis didn’t immediately respond to a request for comment from Business Insider sent outside business hours.