My Grandmother Only Just Passed, and Now My Wife Wants to Radically Change Her Most Beloved Family Tradition

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

Every year, my family gets together for a big festive meal to celebrate New Year’s.
This year, assuming no last-minute hiccups, there will be 18 of us present. There’s a fair bit of planning for who makes and brings what and how it all fits together.

Now, my wife “Florence” is a sous-chef at a pretty upscale restaurant. She is far and away the best cook I know. She knows it, too, which is where the problem comes in. She wants to plan the entire meal, and a lot of that planning and cooking involves only her, my cousin “Debra,” and one of my nephews, since she trusts them to assist her—the rest of us can just butt out.

That’s not how we did things before. It was always a kind of grab-bag thing where everyone brought a dish or two, and so what if it didn’t fit together? It was about inclusion and family. It was also the rule that my grandmother laid down, and nobody would cross her. But my grandmother passed earlier this year, and I guess Florence thinks this is her chance to do things her way. I don’t have any doubts that the meal will be better if she has her way, but it is in no way worth the amount of family strife it will cause if she bullies her way through like this. But I can’t get her to see this—in fact, she’s angry that I won’t support her plan, because she thinks a husband should support his wife when there’s family discord. I don’t think that extends to cheering her on when she’s making a mistake. How do I make peace here?

—Already Tired

Dear Already Tired,

Are you and Florence hosting dinner this year? And are your relatives actually upset at the thought of her and a couple of others doing all the cooking, or is it more about how Florence expressed her idea? I’m asking because hosts often do have a certain amount of control over the dinner plan, and I personally wouldn’t be mad if a sous chef in my family wanted to throw a fancy New Year’s dinner party and didn’t need me to bring anything except a festive mood. There’s nothing inherently wrong with doing things a little differently—after all, pausing or amending a tradition for one year doesn’t mean you can’t bring it back next year.

But while it’s not necessarily terrible or thoughtless to want to host one family dinner your own way, it could be that Florence’s plan was badly communicated to your family. You phrased it as her trying to “bully her way through”—was that a bit of hyperbole because you yourself don’t like her plan, or has she, in fact, been a bully about this? Because there’s a huge difference between “Hey, I’d like to try something a little different this year—how about I treat you all to a special meal?” and “I’m clearly the best cook in the family and don’t want any of you ruining my dinner.” If the message she sent was more the latter, that’s obviously rude and she should probably hit pause on planning and focus on making amends.

If, on the other hand, Florence hasn’t been openly mean to anyone and just wants to host a fancy New Year’s dinner, I think you could probably dial back your horror (while she dials back the defensiveness, perhaps) and try to find a compromise that works for everyone. First, she should think about how she’s presenting the plan to everyone—again, it should be “I would really like to do this for all of you!” and not “I have been dying to do this because none of you can actually cook.” She could ask your family members whether there are any particular foods they’d like to see on the menu. I don’t think it has to be the case that no one else brings a dish to share (how can she stop them, anyway?)—maybe others can bring appetizers, drinks, desserts, etc. while Florence focuses on the mains. If someone really wants to help cook the day of, she should welcome them into the kitchen and find some task for them to do.

Holidays can start to feel oppressive when anyone is too rigid about what has to happen. I think Florence should be able to relax a bit and include other people if they want to be included. I also think it should be ok for anyone in your family, including your sous-chef wife, to plan and host a nice dinner without it being seen as an attack or a rejection of “the way we’ve always done things.” The point is that you’re all gathered together to celebrate—whether you’re partaking in an older tradition or trying something new, you can show each other some grace.

Dear Care and Feeding,

How much hurt is it appropriate to share with my kids? I have two kids, H (13) and E (11), who I share custody of with their dad. When the kids are with me, I frequently encourage them to call and text their dad, and make it clear that they’re welcome to call him at any point. However, when they’re with their dad, they very rarely initiate calls or texts with me. They will mostly answer texts, but essentially, they’re just answering any questions I have or will say “good morning” back—never will they try to carry on a conversation.

On Thanksgiving, neither child reached out to say “Happy Thanksgiving,” and they gave short answers when I texted them (and neither answered my FaceTime call). This really hurt me. We had a conversation afterward about the importance of letting loved ones know you’re thinking about them and engaging in conversation, and how much it means to me to hear from them.

Now, a few weeks later—again, crickets. I just FaceTimed E, who had gone outside to answer my call (it’s 22 degrees!), and when I asked, she said her aunts (her dad’s sisters) were over and she felt like she wasn’t supposed to talk to me in front of them (what?). She ended the call, quickly and pretty flippantly. It kills me that the kids quite simply don’t care enough to want to reach out to me. They’re not off living their own lives as adults; they’re kids! I don’t know how much hurt is appropriate to let them know I’m feeling, or even the best way to share my feelings with them.

—Call Your Mother