My wife and I knew from our first date that we didn’t want kids. We’ve been together for 17 years and lost friends because of our choice.

• Matthew Walters, 56, has been with his wife, Orna, for 17 years.
• They knew they didn’t want kids before they met.
• People react differently to Matthew’s decision to be child-free than they do to Orna’s.

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Matthew Walters, coauthor of “Getting It Right This Time: Break Free from Your Hidden Roadblocks to Lasting Love.” It has been edited for length and clarity.

On our first date 17 years ago, the woman who would become my wife talked a lot about kids. Orna shared her love for her nieces and gushed about how cute a friend’s baby was. So I asked her, “How do you feel about having kids?”

She tossed the question right back to me and watched me hem and haw. At that point I knew I didn’t want children, but I was worried about sharing that on a first date. Then, Orna said, “I don’t want any.” I thought, “Thank God.”

I already had an outlet for nurturing people

For most of my 20s I was living a nomadic life working in the entertainment industry. I wasn’t sure I wanted to get married, let alone have children. In my mid-30s, I realized I wanted a partner and became serious about finding a long-term relationship.

At the same time, my experiences solidified for me that kids weren’t a priority for me. I grew up the youngest of five, with a lot of competition and bullying. I don’t think of childhood with nostalgia or fond memories, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to bring someone else into the world. I also had concerns about the environment and politics.

Most importantly, I had a strong purpose outside having kids. I was working as a hypnotherapist and poured nurturing energy into helping people heal. That way, I could impact people’s lives — and the world.

My decision to be child-free had already impacted my dating life

I knew I wanted a partner who shared that desire to impact people. Once, I was talking to a woman I was very attracted to. She mentioned how she couldn’t wait to become a stay-at-home mom one day. I couldn’t imagine myself as the sole breadwinner, with a partner focused on child-rearing. Despite my attraction, I didn’t call that woman for a date.

The summer before I met Orna, I was dating a woman who wanted kids. There was a ton of pressure to let her know whether I wanted to become a dad. That was one of the top reasons we broke up. When I met Orna, I was relieved we were on the same page from the start.

We lost friends over the decision not to have kids

Orna and I were both over 40 when we married, but young enough that having kids was still a possibility. Lots of people assumed we were going to immediately start trying for a baby, likely through IVF.

Our friends who were childfree by choice warned we would lose friends over the choice not to have kids, and they were right. Other couples who married late and were going through IVF drifted away from us.

I noticed a difference between the men and women. My friends tended to say, “I’m so glad you finally found someone.” Orna’s friends would say, “So you’re going to try for a baby now?”

Over our marriage, we’ve mostly stayed friends with other child-free couples. Many got married older, like us, but one of our close friends got married in their early 30s. They faced lots more pressure than us to have children because they were married younger.

We’re fulfilled without being parents

Orna and I have never regretted not having kids. We’ve created a meaningful life around our decision to help others and impact the world.

Each year, on our anniversary, we write down five things we want to create together. The next year, we look at what we accomplished and what we still want to do and write down a new list of five. By doing this, we’re continuously growing and creating together. We don’t need parenthood to be fulfilled.