The Bonkers Special Edition Cadillac Designed By Fashion Icon Pierre Cardin Has Something In It I Can’t Identify – The Autopian

You’ve heard of Pierre Cardin, haven’t you? Of course you have. The man was a fashion icon, and there’s no way you didn’t notice the fantastic flight attendant uniforms he made for Pakistan International Airlines in 1966, because you’re not some heathen animal. Did you know that Pierre dabbled in automobiles, too? He did, with special edition cars for AMC, a one-off Sbarro Stash, and the car I want to talk about today, the Cadillac Eldorado Evolution by Pierre Cardin.

The 1981 Cadillac Eldorado Evolution by Pierre Cardin (I’m going to shorten that to something, if I have to type that out every time I’ll pee myself in rage) was about three times the cost of a normal Eldorado at $58,000 (that’s over $200 grand today!) and was pretty significantly modified from a standard Eldo.

The Cardin Caddy (there, see, I knew I’d come up with a shorter name) took the regular, FWD Eldorado and crammed it absolutely full of luxury:

Look at that list there: lambswool carpets, a VCR (under the dash) and TV (in the rear), a wet bar with Waterford crystal and a pewter flask, 22 karat gold accents, 30 coats of lacquer, some ads not a fridge (which may be in the trunk?), and that’s not even talking about the significant body changes, like the full-width horizontal taillight replacing the vertical units of the Eldo, and a massive add-on nose with grille-covered headlamps.

Here, look at this thing next to a normal, plebian Eldorado:

Look at those side mirrors! Hot salad, this thing is bonkers. Of course, it also had GM’s legendarily lousy 8-6-4 engine, so not everything was lambswool and Waterford. But, this thing was still a remarkably grand study in opulence.

For a two-door car, a lot of that luxury was shoveled into the rear seat, because I guess you’d still expect to be driven around even in a coupé? The rear armrest seemed to house the wet bar accouterments, and even though you had to shove in your VHS copy of An American Warewolf in London in front (because the VCR is under the dash) the color television itself is between the front seats, for the rear seat passengers.

The Cardin Caddy also seems to include something that is driving me absolutely crazy, because I can’t figure out what it is:

Okay, so that’s a little Sony Trinitron TV there, and then in front of it is a glossy black panel that, when you push down on one end, pops up to give you access to … whatever that thing is?

What is that thing? It’s shaped sort of like an extruded, bold number 1, and has six black, unlabeled buttons on it, in a vertical row down the left side. The buttons seem to be the type where, when pushed, they stay in the down position, possibly until another button is pressed, which then pops up the original. I think.

I think the logo there may say “TELCO”? Could this be some sort of telecom equipment? It doesn’t appear to be any sort of car phone or anything? There aren’t enough buttons to dial, and there aren’t any grilles for speakers or microphones.

Is it somehow related to the TV or VCR? The TV’s controls are on the set itself, and while I suppose it could be a strange remote for the VCR, why not label the buttons? And it seems too big and ungainly for that.

Is it a drink dispenser of some kind? Do the buttons select one of the bottles stored in the in-trunk cooler/refrigerator? If it is a drink dispenser, wouldn’t you want some sort of drain in there, somewhere?

Maybe that’s it?

Anyway, I welcome your speculations, because I’m kind of baffled here. If it is a drink dispenser, I’d love to see how it’s actually used. If not, someone, please, tell me, what the hell is it? My local Cadillac dealer says “they don’t know anything about this car” and “please stop calling us” and “if you don’t leave the premises we’ll be forced to call the police” and all that bullshit.

Let’s figure this out.

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