The Mom of the Troublemaking Child Finally Intervened. Uh, That Was Not At All What We Had in Mind.

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Dear Care and Feeding, 

I live in a small, isolated town where my 2-year-old daughter and another 2-and-a-half-year-old, “Vanessa,” are among the few young children. Vanessa has developed concerning behaviors—hitting and shoving other kids when she wants toys or space. Her mother “Cara,” who had a difficult Soviet upbringing, has admitted she struggles with discipline and often seeks my advice.

Recently, Cara has started intervening more—which is great!—but her approach is problematic. When Vanessa pushes kids or grabs toys, instead of addressing the aggressive behavior, Cara teaches her to say things like, “Can I please have the toy?” before taking it, or “Please go away” before shoving other kids. Other parents are becoming upset, and I can see why. This approach validates the problematic behavior rather than correcting it. I want to help Cara develop better strategies, but given her background and vulnerability, how do I approach this sensitively?

—Playground Diplomat

Dear Diplomat, 

Cara sounds like she’s on the right track but might be missing the subtleties. It’s hard to offer concrete advice when I don’t fully know the dynamic between you both. If she’s genuinely looking for coaching, I suppose you could bring it up on your own. You could say something like, “Hey, you asked for my advice before. Can I share some of what I’m observing? Or tell me to mind my own business!” Bear in mind, though, that this question isn’t really a fair one, as it doesn’t give Cara a good way to say, “No thanks” without coming across rudely. So it’s the kind of opener you should only use where there is true mutual trust between both parties.

One of the gentler options would be to model the behavior. This might require you and Cara to be more involved with the kids than you might otherwise be (in the sandbox, versus catching up off to the side, for example). When your daughter says yes or no to someone’s request for a toy, you can praise her for using her words and replying. If Vanessa asks for a toy and doesn’t wait for a reply before taking it, you can pipe up with, “Oops, Vanessa I don’t think he was ready to share. Can you let him play with his toy for another minute and ask again?” You can let Cara take it from there.  When Vanessa says, “Please go away” and then immediately shoves a kid, you can wince and say, “Oh dear, so close. She’s still struggling with remembering not to shove at all, huh?” Things like this put you in the position of commiserating fellow parent, rather than sanctimonious parenting guide, which I think is a more comfortable place to be for everyone.

Finally, I’m always a fan of books. If Cara is truly curious for more help, pick up a few of your favorites. “I know you were asking me for advice the other day, but a lot of what I learned came from these. Thought they might help you, too.” If you don’t have favorites, the classics of 1, 2, 3 Magic and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen… are always a great starter kit.

—Allison

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