The Most Hilariously Bad Reviews of the Grand Canyon

I’ve been fortunate enough to explore the Grand Canyon a handful of times, trekking from rim to river within the national park and exploring lesser known aspects beyond park boundaries. The beauty and sheer volume of the ditch gets me every time. Some people are moved by the quiet of the landscape or the depth, which can be awesome in the literal sense of the word, but personally, I’m struck by the time it took the Colorado River to carve through all those layers of rock.

We’re talking about 6 million years of slow, steady work, which seems like forever, but that timeframe is just a blink when you stack it up against the two-billion-year-old layers of rock inside the canyon. Staring into the Grand Canyon is like staring at time itself. How can you not ponder the brevity of your own time on this planet here?

But not everyone is impressed. Lately, on a notion, I dug into online reviews of our most famous river gorge and found a decade’s worth of angsty complaints, with people moaning about everything from the weather to the lack of trees.

Here, and always with a nod to the classic Subpar Parks collector, are the (best) worst reviews of the Grand Canyon, one of the most magnificent natural landmarks in the world:

⭐ “A great example of uncontrolled erosion leaving a dangerous and ugly scar on an otherwise beautiful forest. The park service personnel were nice and friendly, however. We probably need a dam to stop erosion and refill this hole.” —Yelp

⭐ “I would really love help understandin[sic] what is so grand about a canyon.”—Yelp

⭐ “Went to the Grand Canyon this past week and let me tell YOU it’s a big ole waste o[sic] time! There was dirt EVERYWHERE and the hiking trail was too long! Also where are the vending machines?? And nowhere to charge my phone! It’s way too deep to even see the bottom! …Grand Canyon more like grand blandyon.” —Yelp

⭐ “There is nothing there! It looks like California’s drought that I am dreading of. Easy place to commit murder. Just push the dude over the cliff.” —Yelp

⭐ “Once you have been to Yellowstone, the Grand Canyon is a joke, and I’m an Arizona native. There are no animals, no greenery, no clear blue streams… just a muddy river, rock, and sheer cliffs. You’ll go ‘ooh’ and ‘ahh’ for 30 seconds.”—Yelp

⭐ “I have been to Yellowstone twice, with buffalo herds walking near my car, an entire elk herd passing me when I went hiking, bald eagles so big I thought it was Jurassic Park, bears twice, and even a wolf trying to steal a baby buffalo and the standoff among a herd. And at the Grand Canyon? A hole. A very, very large hole.”—Yelp

⭐ “[P]retty much all of the really awesome things you could potentially do in the Grand Canyon are basically off-limits for a day tripper:

• Hike down to the Colorado River. You need a minimum of two days. Yes, people have done it in one day before, but many have also died trying, and the park service does everything short of an outright ban to discourage anyone from attempting it [too quickly], for good reason.
• Raft down the Colorado River with spectacular canyon walls towering over you on either side. You need a minimum of seven days.
• Follow a stream down a narrow side canyon and see waterfalls and springs. This is a multi-day backpack from the rim or accessed from the river during a rafting trip (see above).

“I just don’t understand why they won’t build a road, aerial tramway, elevator, or SOMETHING that gives easier access to the canyon’s depths?” —Yelp

⭐ ⭐ “Dude seriously it’s just a big hole in the ground and it’s all dirt. No shade trees, nothing interesting at all. Honestly, the desert is all just dirt so that was no surprise but the way everybody talks about the Grand Canyon I thought there’d be some stuff to do there…. Oh yeah that’s right…you can walk around on the dirt and look at the giant gaping hole in the ground and take pictures of the dirt. Big whoop.” —TripAdvisor

⭐ “It was pretty cool I guess, the canyon. A bit much though. Maybe less canyon next time would be better if you guys can fix that.”—TripAdvisor

⭐ “Don’t go in early October. We was[sic] expecting sunshine like in las vegas where we was[sic] staying. We got there we had rain. You could not actually see the canyon. Was covered in fog so a wasted journey.”— Google Maps

⭐ “Grand Canyon? More like average canyon. Seen better.” —Google Maps

⭐ “Not that big, bad weather, bad food, too many people. Also why would they put so many trees everywhere. Terrible design, just terrible.” —Google Maps

⭐ “WORST wonder of the world! …. Only a big hole in the ground.”—Google Maps

⭐ “Very underwhelming experience. Totaly [sic] an overrated location. Cluster of ugly looking rocks and a gorge that runs for miles. Boring is an understatement. Don’t waste your time visiting.”—TripAdvisor

⭐ “Not much different from pictures. Besides, the views are about the same everywhere…the only reason to go to GCNP is to be[sic] see one of the Seven Wonders in the world. But after gazing at the canyon for 3 minutes from the rim, you have seen it all.” —TripAdvisor

⭐ “No lift, no real chapel, no real movie theatre… You really know how to make a hole in the ground a hole in the ground.” —TripAdvisor

⭐ “Look, don’t get me wrong, the views were ok. However, I just find it unacceptable that in this day and age wifi was non-existent. I had lots of good photos but was unable to Snapchat them!”—TripAdvisor

⭐ “I guess I was seeking some sort of deep existential revelation that so many of my friends experienced, but I got nothing. I planned on spending a few days here but left after five hours.” —TripAdvisor

From the author: Despite what you may have gathered above, the Bright Angel Trail was one of the greatest hiking experiences of my life. I do agree with the reviewer above that you don’t want to try it it one day. For most, that is folly or worse. But as for the hike itself, it’s a panoply of views all the way, and it opened my eyes to what space could be.

Old Bright Angel Trail

Graham Averill is Outside magazine’s national-parks columnist. He’s visited the Grand Canyon many times and never had an existential revelation there, either. But that’s probably his fault, not the canyon’s. He’s also never left a bad review on TripAdvisor or Yelp. Graham recently covered “The 9 Wildest Golf Courses in America,”  “9 Most Underrated National Parks for Incredible Fall Foliage,” and “8 Surf Towns Where You Can Learn the Sport and the Culture.” His essay “This Is What It’s Like to Live in Asheville After Hurricane Helene” was an on-the-ground account of experiencing the life-changing natural disaster.