The Paris Olympics 2024 opening ceremony was a boring, soaking-wet mess

Talk about miserables. The Paris Summer Olympic 2024 Opening Ceremony on Friday was so rough that the local dancers bungled the Can-Can.

The Can-Can!

What were the French thinking? 

Je ne comprends pas!

Re-conceived from the usual arena spectacle into an aquatic procession down the river Seine — like a moist Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade without fun — the kickoff to the quadrennial athletic competition meant to promote worldwide unity was boring, ill-conceived and choppy.

And not only because of the downpour of rain.

The entire poncho-covered celebration felt needlessly divided.

For instance, the international teams of brilliant athletes, including our exceptional Team USA, were scattered on at least 85 separate boats.

The always-moving image of a continuous line of diverse, impeccable athletes?

Gone in favor of a Disney ride.

Enthusiastic spectators were dispersed over nearly four miles, making their proud cheers barely audible.

It’s still the Olympics, of course. I shed a tear watching the competitors take in the extraordinary moment.

I got verklempt listening to an opera singer nail the French national anthem.

The cauldron, reimagined as a fiery hot air balloon, was neat.

But the entertainment-value performances during the more-than-four-hour broadcast were all over the place — in every sense.

Nothing came together.

Was any of the messy staging awe-inspiring or remotely impressive, as London, Beijing, Sydney, Rio and Tokyo all were? 

Non.

The fake enthusiasm of the NBC presenters, including Kelly Clarkson, over the buffet of banality deserves an Emmy.    

In one of many perplexing scenes from France on Friday, a CGI submarine carrying Universal’s Minions sank on the river Seine.

Those funny yellow Tic Tacs were, apparently, created by a Frenchman.

Much the same as the Notre Dame.

During another insane part, two guys and a girl — all wearing gaudy technicolor dreamcoats — were about to enjoy a ménage à trois and then slammed the door on the camera.

Pourquoi?!

In stark contrast to 12 years ago when London breathtakingly depicted the dawn of Britain’s Industrial Revolution with epic scenery in a gigantic stadium, Paris had bellhop mimes dance through a Louis Vuitton factory in an awkward pre-recorded clip.

By the time the severed head of Marie Antoinette sang along to heavy metal, my finger was hovering over the remote control’s “off” button.

There was some star power, courtesy of North America.

Lady Gaga – real name Stefani Germanotta, French as lasagna — performed the song “Mon Truc En Plumes” along the river bank for some unknown reason while dancers clumsily shook pink feathered fans at her.

The grand finale, which was heartwarming, was the long-awaited comeback of Celine Dion — on the Eiffel Tower, no less — who has publicly struggled with a rare neurological disorder called Stiff Person Syndrome that has hindered her ability to sing. Dion sounded tender and sublime, if not quite ready to climb “My Heart Will Go On” just yet.

But I wondered where all the famous French singers and actors were. Has the birthplace of Moliere, Edith Piaf and Sarah Bernhardt become so culturally desolate that they had to turn to Yanks and Canucks for some razzle-dazzle?

Come on — cut to Juliette Binoche smoking a cigarette. Jean Reno munching on a croissant. What’s more French than that?

The Opening Ceremony finally found its footing when the participants gathered — together! — at a twinkling Eiffel Tower. 

It’s hardly original to point out that Paris is one of the most beautiful and romantic cities on the planet. Its architecture — the Louvre, Hotel de Ville — outshone any flesh-and-blood performer. 

Taking the show out of the stadium and onto the Seine was a unique and well-intended idea from a historically out-of-the-box country.

But not every revolution works out.