There’s no distance these Conservative heroes won’t travel to serve … themselves | John Crace

Just for one day the election campaign took a back seat as the country’s eyes turned towards northern France where the commemorations for the D-day landings and the Normandy campaign were taking place. A time to remember both those who came back and those who didn’t.

No one came out of the war unscarred. My dad could never speak of the horrors he had witnessed, nor the gallantry that won him a Distinguished Service Cross. Here were the last survivors of the war generation: most of them 100 years old or more who had fought for our freedoms. A freedom that many now take for granted.

So, what better time to step back and honour a couple of Conservative heroes who have overcome similarly insuperable odds to become candidates in this election? Men who have made the ultimate sacrifice for their party. Men who have laid down their friends for their lives. We will remember them.

Step forward the Conservative party chair. Up until a few weeks ago Richard Holden had been the MP for North West Durham. Luckily for him, his constituency got swallowed up in the boundary changes. Otherwise he would have been forced to defend a seat he was almost certain to lose with only the prospect of a peerage to give him solace. So since then, Rich has been biding his time. Waiting for somewhere reasonably safe to turn up.

With just two days before all candidates had to be nominated, Rich turned up unexpectedly in Basildon and Billericay. Much to the annoyance of the local constituency association who would much rather have appointed someone who knew the area. “Hi,” said Rich. “I’m sorry to say that the other two candidates that CCHQ have put forward – Dicky Holding and Ricky Holdup – can’t make it tonight. So it looks like you’ve been lumbered with me.”

At which point most of the Basildon and Billericay Tory association left in disgust. They wanted no part of any stitch-up. That left the association’s executive officer, Richard Moore, to go through the formalities of the nomination.

“Right,” said Moore, reluctantly. “We might as well get this over and done with. So why don’t you tell me a bit more about your political career? Start at the beginning.”

“Well, as you probably know …” Rich smirked.

“I don’t. I couldn’t care less …”

“I started off as special advisers to both Chris Grayling and Gavin Williamson.”

“Two of the most useless cabinet ministers of all time …”

“Yes. On my watch Chris handed over a government contract to a ferry company that didn’t have any ferries and Gavin Williamson leaked top secret briefings from the national security council.”

Moore buried his head in his hands and started quietly sobbing. Eventually he managed to pull himself together.

“And what about your career as an MP?” he said.

Holden became animated once more. “I like to think of myself as a go-getter,” he said. “An attack dog. The sort of guy that gets things done. It was me that led the campaigns to get Keir Starmer done for Beergate and Angela Rayner convicted for tax fraud.”

“Er … but the people investigated both of these and found there was no case to answer in either of them.”

“Yeah but it caused a bit of trouble. That’s the main thing.”

“So you’re the kind of man who likes to instigate damaging witch-hunts on innocent people for no good reason?”

“Absolutely.”

At this point Moore paused and checked his notes.

“Tell me about your convictions,” he said.

“What convictions? Who told you I had convictions? The jury found me not guilty of sexual assault …”

“I meant convictions as in principles. What drives you?”

“Oh I see,” said Rich, calming down a little. “I think my biggest strength is my loyalty.”

“Quite. I remember you saying you would always be loyal to the north-east.”

“And now it’s my turn to be loyal to the south-east. We are in the south-east aren’t we? Had a hell of a time trying to find my way here. Thing about loyalty is it’s always best if it’s shared around. That’s the Conservative way.”

“OK,” said Moore, changing the subject. “In your role as party chairman, it was your job to secure donations. Do you feel it was right to take a further £5m off Frank Hester? You don’t think we should have handed it back?”

“Absolutely not,” said Rich. “We needed the dosh. Besides, Frankie Boy is a thoroughly good bloke despite a bit of violent, misogynistic and racist language.”

Moore looked down at his list of questions. This was pointless. He might as well wrap it up.

“Are there any questions you have for me?” he said.

“Just the one. Is it safe?” replied Rich.

“Well, like many towns these days we have our problems. Some parts of the centre I’d advise against visiting on a Saturday night …”

“I’m not bothered about crime,” Holden interrupted. “You won’t see me for dust if I’m elected. What I wanted to know was whether this was a safe seat. I don’t want to waste my time on a place where I’m going to lose.”

Moore started tapping out an email to CCHQ. Just this once Basildon would rather have no Tory candidate at all. “Too late,” came the reply.

And now for the second honourable Tory. Step forward Douglas Ross, leader of the Scottish Conservatives in Holyrood. Not so long ago, Wee Dougie announced he would be standing down as an MP, saying he wanted to spend more of his time with his colleagues north of the border. With just 24 hours until the nominations closed, Dougie had a change of mind. He now quite fancied the new seat of Aberdeenshire North and Moray East. A seat previously held by another Tory, David Duguid, who was at home recovering from spinal surgery.

“I don’t think you’re well enough,” said Wee Dougie.

“I think you’ll find I am,” Duguid replied.

‘Well tough. It’s mine. CCHQ have rubber stamped it. I need the £85,000. You can just bugger off.”

Charming. In the distance a trumpeter played the Last Post.