Wayne’s World: The quips and foibles of a successful marriage

For those of you who might not remember my last column, here’s the recap — after playing two sets of tennis on a hot Tuesday evening, I became dehydrated from not drinking any water, became lightheaded, fell to the ground and got a big bump on my head.

This is a follow up to that story.

The good news is, I’ve learned my lesson. I’m like a camel now. There’s enough water in me at any given time that I’m surprised a hump hasn’t formed on my back. 

The bad news — my wife Maya will still never let me hear the end of it. She reminds me about it, every day.

You know what the sign is of a strong and successful marriage? I can tell you from firsthand experience. Actually, I saw it in my parents when I was growing up.

The sign? Mockery. Of each other.

Oh sure — love, honor, respect — those are all crucial aspects of marriage as well. But, the social dynamic that seems to bind us in holy matrimony? The clever and not all that subtle digs we give each other on any given day.

My parents had it. We’re LOADED with it.

In the last few days, here’s a litany of some of the comments Maya has made about me:

• We need to retire those shorts you’re wearing. What are you going for – “homeless chic”?
• You have the palate of a 5-year-old.
• How can you not remember so and so’s name? Maybe we need to get you checked out for early onset dementia?

To be completely transparent, it’s a two-way street. Some of my recent comments:

• No matter what she asks my help for, whether it’s her computer, cell phone, or toaster oven, my first response is — it’s probably user error.
• No matter what she asks my help for, whether it’s her computer, cell phone, or toaster oven, my second response, after “it’s probably user error,” is “Did you try restarting”? And then I reiterate that the problem is probably user error.

We just came back from a trip to Ireland and Greece. It was an amazing trip. We walked everywhere. But after my little incident on the tennis court, Maya was relentless in reminding me of my failings.

While we were walking along some craggy trails overlooking the water near Dublin, Maya would routinely quip, “Hold my hand. Last thing we need is for you to fall down and kill yourself on this walk.”

On our next stop, in Greece, we walked up and down the famous walkways in Santorini, overlooking the famous white buildings and blue-domed churches. Once again, Maya made sure to remind me of the importance of not falling down and killing myself in this famed isle of Greece.

At one point, she said, “Hold my hand, I’m not sure you can manage to make it down these steps on your own.”

Right at the moment I grasped her hand, something unexpected happened. Maya slipped on one of the steps and started to stumble. But she didn’t fall — because I WAS HOLDING HER HAND.

In other words, I just saved her life.

I had a few things to say.

“Sweetie — don’t you worry. I’ve got you. You won’t fall on my watch. And if you did fall and hurt yourself, I’ll life flight you back home if that’s what it takes. That’s the kind of hubby I am.” 

“These stairs are tricky, and it was probably just user error.”

Thirty-three years of marriage this fall and we’re still going strong. 

Wayne Chan, a Poway resident, writes about family and community life and shares humorous views of topics of the day.